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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29053911">lugentes campi</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartlove/pseuds/smartlove'>smartlove</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Ballet Dancer Lee Jeno, Best Friends, First Love, Friendship/Love, Implied Jeno/Mark, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining, Roommates, Sprinkles of fluff, Unrequited Love, alcohol use, an abundance of classical references, content warning in description, jeno is kind of a mess, lots of yearning, side jaemin/yangyang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:14:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29053911</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartlove/pseuds/smartlove</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Being this close to Jaemin allows him a sight he wasn’t usually allowed. He’s barefaced, bumps of acne cover his forehead, his lips are slightly chapped, remnants of day-old mascara smudged across the corners of his eyes. <i>He is so fucking beautiful</i>, Jeno thinks, <i>Aphrodite has honoured him exceedingly. </i></p><p>He looks up at the stars above and makes a second promise to himself: confess to Jaemin before college ends.</p><p> <i>Long story short, Jaemin was the wrong guy to fall in love with—but Jeno went and did it anyway</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Love Dream 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lugentes campi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanhascroissant/gifts">sanhascroissant</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ROBIN!! thank you so much for this prompt, i loved it alot and kind of ran away with it. i hope it lives up to your expectations! </p><p>i hope you all enjoy this monster of a fic. i have once again gotten myself overly attached to these characters and each one of them is precious to me. i hope you love jaemin and jeno from this universe as much as i do! </p><p>thank you to admin cony and admin robin for working so diligently, i loved being part of this exchange!</p><p>CONTENT WARNING: there are heavy amounts of drinking in this fic and jeno has a few alcoholic tendencies so please be wary of that!! be safe &lt;3</p><p>also please note the unrequited love tag. </p><p>ENJOY!!!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Lugentes Campi</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Location: The fourth region of the underworld.</em>
</p><p>"In The Aeneid, Lugentes Campi (the Mourning Fields) is the section of the underworld reserved for souls who wasted their lives on unrequited love."</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. summer, 2021</b>
</p><p> </p><p>At the outskirts of town, on the top of a hill, under the bleeding orange sky— Jeno Lee sits with a boy who he is convinced is the love of his life. Someone who he feels like he has loved ever since he learned what loving was. Jaemin Na; his best friend and the current— or perhaps permanent— object of his affections. </p><p>Jaemin is leaning against his shoulder, they are surrounded by unruly grass that towers over them, concealing them from the others who have chosen to spend their evening on this very same hill. His hair tickles Jeno’s neck as he moves closer and Jeno’s heartbeat picks up dangerously. He looks over to the boy next to him, eyes closed against the sun in his face, skin brightened by hues of orange. Being this close to Jaemin allows him a sight he wasn’t usually allowed. He’s barefaced, bumps of acne cover his forehead, his lips are slightly chapped, remnants of day-old mascara smudged across the corners of his eyes. <em> He is so fucking beautiful, </em> Jeno thinks, <em> Aphrodite has honoured him exceedingly.  </em></p><p>Jaemin cracks an eye open, meeting Jeno’s stare. He feels his face flush at getting caught, but Jaemin only smiles, and what a glorious smile it is. </p><p>“Can you believe it?” Jaemin says, “Our last year of college starts tomorrow,” </p><p>Jeno returns his smile but it’s a half-hearted one. Their final year of undergrad. And then they’ll both be off doing different things— getting jobs, moving out, figuring out adulthood. It all seems so terrifying. Jeno has no idea what he wants to do after college— if he wants to pursue post-grad or attempt to find a job, <em> in this economy. </em>What he’s more worried about though, is being separated from Jaemin. Being away from him after university ends. He’s not sure he can handle it. </p><p>“Don’t remind me,” Jeno replies, with an overexaggerated shudder. </p><p>Jaemin laughs, “Ah Jeno, you worry too much.” </p><p>“I didn’t say anything,” </p><p>Jaemin sits up, reaching over to ruffle Jeno’s hair like he’s a little kid. </p><p>“You forget that I live in your brain, and I can <em> hear </em>it worrying,”</p><p>Jeno sighs, plucking grass from the ground as he collects his thoughts. </p><p>“It’s just scary, you know?” he says, “I don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life,” </p><p>“None of us do, my sweet,” Jaemin says gently, “But at least we’ll have each other while we figure it out.” </p><p>Jeno raises an eyebrow, “Will we?” </p><p>Jaemin’s smile falters, ever so slightly, “What’s that supposed to mean?” </p><p>“Shit happens sometimes, life gets busy and in the way of friendships,” <em> And relationships, </em>he leaves out, “Doyoung doesn’t talk to any of his college friends,” </p><p>Jaemin waves this away, like it’s no big deal, “Your brother didn’t have me as a best friend. I’m latching on like a leech and never letting go, baby!” </p><p>Jeno laughs, “Promise?” he says, holding his pinky up. </p><p>Jaemin links their pinkies together, “Promise, even if I end up in Antarctica, I’ll facetime you everyday,”</p><p>“You better,” Jeno says, wrapping his arm around Jaemin’s shoulder and pulling him in. “I love penguins.” </p><p>Jaemin grins and leans his head back on Jeno’s shoulder, the subject is dropped. They stay on that hill until the sky darkens, the stars appearing like bullet holes in the night sky. This was one of their many traditions, watching the sunset the night before the school year starts. Celebrating the last day of summer together. Jeno is going to miss this next year. </p><p>He runs a hand through Jaemin’s hair as he leans into Jeno’s touch. Jaemin watches the stars above them, Jeno watches Jaemin. A wave of disappointment washes over him. He made a promise to himself to confess to Jaemin before the summer ends. To give himself a peace of mind— but each time he prepared himself for it, he chickened out. Each time he came close, Jaemin would look at him with those big brown eyes, and Jeno would stumble over his words, then change the subject. He just couldn’t do it. </p><p>Now, the summer is over and his opportunity is missed. </p><p>He looks up at the stars above and makes a second promise to himself: confess to Jaemin before college ends.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. high school, senior year</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeno awakens to banging on his bedroom window. It hits him like a bucket of water, shooting up from his bed to glare at the culprit through sleep-heavy eyes. To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jaemin is grinning at him from the other side of his window. Jeno blinks slowly, not yet comprehending the fact that his best friend is there, standing on his two-storey-high balcony, like a complete maniac. </p><p>“Open up!” Jaemin calls out, his knocking on the glass only getting louder as he holds he balances his laptop on his other arm. </p><p>Jeno groans, rubbing his face as he gets up from the bed, trudging over to open his balcony doors. He has half a mind to leave Jaemin locked out while he catches up on his sleep. Christ, the sun is barely out, remnants of the sunrise filling his room with hues of blue. </p><p>“What the fuck?” he greets pleasantly, opening the glass doors, “What time is it?” </p><p>“It’s only seven, sleepyhead,” Jaemin chastises, pushing Jeno so he can enter the room. He throws himself onto Jeno’s bed, making himself comfortable under the covers. Jeno glares at him, but it has no effect against his bedridden hair and misty eyes, so he follows Jaemin’s lead and plants himself on the bed right next to him. </p><p>“Please tell me you woke me up for a good reason,” </p><p>Jaemin responds with an overly dramatized gasp, “Don’t tell me you <em> forgot</em>, Jenjen,” </p><p>Jeno’s brain immediately runs through a list of important dates he might have forgotten. Jaemin’s birthday has passed, his birthday isn’t for a few months, their friendship anniversary isn’t for a while— his eyes widen. </p><p>“College admissions,” The realisation surges through him, waking him up better than an espresso shot could. He had completely forgotten in the midst of his sleepy haze but now he’s wide awake and completely freaking out. Just like he was last night before he went to bed. </p><p>“Ding, ding, ding!” Jaemin cheers, he has no idea how Jaemin can be so calm about this. He sits up to get a good look at his best friend. His eyes are rimmed with red, dark circles revealing that he’s barely slept. His smile is more nervous than cheerful. Jaemin isn’t calm about this, he’s just better at internalising his worries.</p><p>Jeno smiles reassuringly, despite being terrified himself. He pats Jaemin’s thigh before getting up to grab his own laptop. </p><p>Jaemin and Jeno had applied to the same place as their first-choice college. It was a decision they made together, an art college with a stellar music program for Jaemin and a dance program for Jeno. They applied together, went to their auditions together—making a road trip out of it and creating memories Jeno doesn’t ever want to forget. So the admissions results were a big deal to them. </p><p>He sits back on the bed and loads up the university website while Jaemin does the same. An unsettling quiet rings over the room as they wait. Jeno doesn’t know what he’ll do if he doesn’t get in, he’s had his heart set on this college for years, Jaemin is the same. </p><p>Jeno reaches over, placing his hand on top of Jaemin’s. The boy smiles back at Jeno, interlacing their fingers together and placing a kiss on the back of his hand. Something flutters inside Jeno. It’s just nerves about admissions, he tells himself. </p><p>“Good luck,” Jaemin mumbles against Jeno’s skin before dropping their hands back onto the bed. </p><p>Jeno lets out a heavy exhale, “Good luck,” </p><p>He brings his attention back to his computer, he’s about to click on his inbox, then falters slightly. </p><p>“If I don’t get in—”</p><p>Jaemin cuts him off. </p><p>“Then we figure it out, don’t start freaking out just yet,” </p><p>“Easier said than done,” Jeno mutters. </p><p>Jaemin’s smile is easy and comforting. When Jeno looks at him, he thinks he has nothing else to worry about. </p><p>“We got this, Jeno,” Jaemin says, and Jeno believes him, “I don’t need to give you a speech about how great of a dancer you are because you already know, but you got this.”</p><p>“So do you, Jaemin,” Jeno replies, “And you’re a fucking great composer,” </p><p>“Oh trust me baby, I know,” Jaemin teases, easygoing as always. </p><p>He turns back to his computer, with more confidence this time. </p><p>Jaemin begins counting down, for dramatic effect. </p><p>“3...2…” </p><p>
  <em> Dear Jeno Lee,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> We are pleased to inform you that… </em>
</p><p>“Oh my fucking god,” Jeno breathes out, voice coated with disbelief, “I got in,” </p><p>He turns to face Jaemin, who’s still reading off his computer, “I fucking got in,” he repeats. </p><p>Jaemin turns too, eyes shining as they meet Jeno’s, “I got in too,”</p><p>They stare at each other like that for a while, both processing what this meant. </p><p>“We did it,” Jeno says, his smile growing, “We’re going to college, <em> the same college! </em>”</p><p>Jaemin laughs, loud and brilliant, he tackles Jeno into a hug. It catches him off guard and they both go tumbling off the bed, giggling like idiots. Jaemin buries his head into the crook of Jeno’s neck and Jeno wraps his arms around his torso. They’re a mess of long limbs and loud laughter. </p><p>“I’m so fucking proud of us,” Jaemin whispers to him, he sounds so happy. Jeno wants him to be this happy forever. </p><p>They’re going to college, they’re taking this milestone together, leaving their small town, living together. </p><p>College doesn’t seem so terrifying, not when he has Jaemin. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college, first day of senior year </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeno lives in a quaint little college town by the sea. On college brochures, it looks like a peaceful place to reside. The town is all cobblestone pavement and historical architecture. Jeno could walk along the beach on his way to class, skip stones in the water. Study with the company of beautiful scenery. </p><p>In reality, he’s hungover at 9:00am on his first day of classes, picking at the leftovers he’s having for breakfast. In hindsight, he should’ve known that moving to a college town would be terrible for his liver. He spent the previous night partying with his dance team, hopping from club to club and taking shot after shot as one last hurrah before they all graduate. This wasn’t the first time Jeno will be turning up to class hungover, and it certainly won’t be the last. He wasn’t one for learning from his mistakes. </p><p>He lives in a shoebox sized twobedroom flat with Jaemin. They both went a little overboard with the decorating, excited to finally have their own space after living in a dorm. The apartment looks straight out of a Pinterest board, with various house plants lining the window sills and hanging from the ceiling. Their furniture is all wooden and secondhand, their singular couch was one they found off the street— they had it deep cleaned because no way Jeno was inviting bed bugs into their home. The walls are covered with wallpaper that they spent an entire day putting up themselves—Jaemin was adamant on it, he hated the colours of the walls and this was the best solution they had without losing their deposit. </p><p>The place is always a mess, they take books out of their giant bookshelf and never put them back, the wooden floors are always covered with a layer or dust and their plants are always shedding leaves—but it’s home. And Jeno wouldn’t trade it for anything. </p><p>Jeno loves their tiny apartment. Moving out at the end of the year might kill him. </p><p>The door to Jaemin’s room opens and he walks into the kitchen, humming lowly and looking as chipper as ever. He ruffles Jeno’s hair on his way past, grabbing the last apple in the fruit basket and taking a seat next to him. </p><p>“You’re in a good mood,” Jeno says bitterly, his words are barely audible, voice hoarse from just waking up. </p><p>“Not waking up with a hangover does that to a person,” Jaemin teases, “You look terrible.” </p><p>All Jeno can muster up is a grunt, he would give anything to crawl back into bed right now. Senior year be damned. </p><p>Jaemin tuts, bringing out his most motherly tone, “I told you not to go drinking on a Sunday night,” </p><p>Jeno shrugs and shovels more rice into his mouth, “It was the only night Mark was free,” </p><p>“Did you have fun at least?”</p><p>Jeno nods, even that hurts to do. His head feels heavy and there’s a piercing pain just above his left eye. </p><p>“It would’ve been more fun if you were there,” Jeno says, tone edging on a whine. </p><p>Jaemin rolls his eyes. He runs his hands through Jeno’s hair and begins massaging his scalp. Jeno leans into the feeling. </p><p>“I didn’t want to intrude on your bonding time with your dance team,” he says. </p><p>Jeno scoffs, eyelids growing heavy as Jaemin’s fingers work wonders for his hangover, “You’re friends with most of them,” </p><p>“Besides, I saw you guys get shit-faced on your Instagram stories, I would’ve just gotten drinking FOMO if I was there,” </p><p>“You’re so responsible Jamie,” Jeno mumbles, “Maybe I should quit drinking too.”</p><p>Jaemin snorts, “You say this every time you’re hungover and then change your mind by Friday night.” </p><p>“I guess we can’t all be perfect.” </p><p>“I’m not perfect,” Jaemin says, “And I have to get going.” </p><p>His hands leave Jeno’s hair and he lets out a whine, missing the comfort already. Jaemin presses a kiss to his hair as consolation before pulling away completely.</p><p>“You need to get going too, don’t be late to class,” he chastises. </p><p>Jeno sighs, pushing his plate of unfinished food away and standing up. </p><p>“I’m going to be home late today,” he informs Jaemin, “I’ve got practice after class,”</p><p>“That’s fine,” Jaemin replies, “I’ve got dinner plans with Yangyang,” </p><p>Jeno halts, “Yangyang?” </p><p>Jaemin hums distractedly, collecting his possessions so he can get ready to leave. </p><p>“You know Yangyang, the dude I’ve been interning with all summer?” </p><p>“Yeah you’ve mentioned him a few times,” Jeno says, “I just didn’t know you guys <em> got dinner </em>,”</p><p>Jaemin pausing midway through tying his shoelaces to give Jeno a strange look, “It’s just dinner, and it’s kind of a new development,” </p><p>“Oh,” Jeno says stupidly, “Okay have fun, I’ll see you afterwards,” </p><p>Jaemin smiles— it’s a little forced, tight around the edges, unlike his usual easygoing smile. </p><p>“See you, Jeno.” </p><p> </p><p>For the longest time, it was just Jeno and Jaemin. One was never seen without the other, they looked out for each other when no one else did. Jeno has grown up with Jaemin, they’ve been with each other since the beginning, he taught Jeno what friendship was and now he’s teaching Jeno what love is. There’s a part of Jeno that fears he’s only capable of loving Jaemin. That there’s no one else for him. It’s written in the stars, whispered between the trees, that Jeno will love Jaemin until his dying breath. It’s this fear that stops him from confessing. It’s better to live in a lie, to pretend that Jaemin kissing his cheek and holding his hand in the grocery store line is something more than platonic affection. To pretend that all the sunsets they’ve watched together, the sleepovers they’ve spent cuddling, means that Jaemin loves him more than a friend. That Jaemin loves him the same way Jeno does. </p><p>Because if Jeno did confess, and Jaemin didn’t return his affections— his fantasy will shatter, and he’ll have to live in a world filtered by permanently grey skies, a world where Jaemin didn’t love him. </p><p>Still, he made a promise to himself. And he intends to keep it, no matter how badly it would break his heart. </p><p> </p><p>“Earth to Jeno,” a voice says, followed by the press of something cold and wet to Jeno’s cheek. He flinches away, re-emerging from his thoughts like it’s water. Mark is staring down at him, concern clouding his expression as he presses a water bottle to Jeno’s cheek. Jeno gingerly accepts it, wiping the condescension off his face. </p><p>“Thanks,” he says, drinking from the bottle in gulps. Dance practice was long and gruelling. They’ve already started preparing for their graduation showcase, which is not only tiring, but also brings up a mess of graduation feelings that Jeno doesn’t like to think about. </p><p>“Hey, uh—” Mark seems to hesitate before taking a seat next to Jeno on the practice room floor. The rest of their team is trickling out now, their chattering becomes white noise.</p><p>“How are you doing?” he continues with a tentative hand pressed to Jeno’s shoulder. </p><p>Jeno pulls the water bottle away and wipes his mouth. </p><p>“I’m fine?” he says, and it comes out as a question because he has no idea why Mark is asking. Sure, he was a little off during practice but three hours of sleep can do that to a person, “I’m just tired and still kind of hungover, I’m surprised that you’re not, why?” </p><p>Mark chuckles, “I didn’t get as wasted as you. And I was just asking because, um, well,”</p><p>Jeno raises an eyebrow, “What’s up, Mark?” </p><p>He clears his throat, looking slightly strangled. </p><p>“Do you remember what you told me last night?” </p><p> Jeno pauses— oh no, he must have said something embarrassing or incriminating last night. He strains to remember what it must have been. Jeno has a history of making stupid drunken mistakes, doing body shots off strangers, stripping when no one asks him too, making out with his friends— his eyes widen, did he try to make out with <em> Mark? </em> </p><p>All he remembers is going to the pre-drinks at Yukhei’s apartment, the first two bars they went to, then his memory pretty much blacks out. </p><p>“I don’t remember much of anything,” Jeno admits, “Sorry if I said anything weird,” </p><p>“It wasn’t weird, it was—well—.” he looks around, they were pretty much alone now. Sicheng, the leader of their dance team was just outside the door, talking to their instructor. </p><p>“I was walking you home last night because you were fucking smashed and I didn’t want you to, like, <em> die </em>,” </p><p>Jeno snorts, “How considerate,” </p><p>“You were just rambling about something random the entire time but then when we got to your apartment building, you—uh—kind of started crying,” </p><p>“Oh my god,” Jeno said, completely mortified. He buries his face into his hands, he doesn’t really want to hear more. Jeno really hates sad drunks, now <em> he’s </em>the sad drunk. </p><p>Mark gives kind of a nervous laugh. </p><p>“And then you told me that, um, you told me that you’re in love with Jaem—”</p><p><em> “Okaaaay,” </em> Jeno draws out, he’s sure his cheeks are burning now, “I think I’ve heard enough,” </p><p>Mark’s looking at him with those big sympathetic eyes and Jeno kind of wants to bury himself alive. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Mark says, offering him an awkward smile, “I figured you would want to know that you disclosed a pretty big secret to me while under the influence,” </p><p>“You clearly don’t know me well enough, Mark Lee,” Jeno replies, which they both know is a lie because Mark has been with him ever he failed his first dance assignment in freshman year and had his first official <em> College is fucking hard </em>breakdown, “because I prefer living in ignorance.”</p><p>“That doesn’t seem healthy,” </p><p>“It’s not,” Jeno says with a grin. He knows it looks forced, but there’s not much else he can offer right now. This is by far one of the most awkward moments of his entire life. </p><p>“If that’s all, I should get going,” he moves to stand up but Mark stops him with a hand on his arm. </p><p>“Wait,” he says, “I’m here if you need anyone to talk to,”</p><p>Jeno snorts, it sounds more bitter than he intended, “I’m good, thanks,” </p><p>“Jeno, I’m serious, you were <em> miserable </em>last night,” Mark presses on, and it feels a bit like he’s rubbing salt in Jeno’s very big, very open wound, “It would help to talk to someone. I’m assuming no one else knows about this?” </p><p>“All my other friends are friends with Jaemin too,” he grumbles, “Telling them would not be wise,” </p><p>“Well <em> I </em>don’t know Jaemin,” Mark says, like it’s something to be proud of, “So I’m that makes me the best person to confide in.”</p><p>Jeno narrows his eyes, “What’s in it for you?” </p><p>Mark gives him a look of disbelief, “I’m just worried about you, is that so hard to believe?”</p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>“You have issues,” Mark states, standing up, “Now come on, we can talk over a cup of coffee,” </p><p>Jeno gives him a look, “It’s 6pm,” </p><p>“Fine,” he says, “Let’s get dinner.” </p><p> </p><p>Jeno returns home to a darkened apartment, the only source of light streams in through the cracks of his bedroom door. He sighs, turning on the living room lamp so his plants aren’t left to complete darkness and treads towards his room. He’s expecting to see Jaemin there before he opens the door, and there he is: laying in his bed, settled under the covers like he belongs there. He looks up from his phone when Jeno enters. </p><p>“Hey,” he greets quietly, as if speaking louder will disturb the peace between them. </p><p>“Hi,” Jeno says. </p><p>The room is quiet while Jeno changes into his night clothes and Jaemin continues to scroll through his phone. It’s late, neither of them feel the need to say anything, but simply exist together in silence. </p><p>When Jeno’s done getting ready for bed, he crawls under the covers to lie next to Jaemin. </p><p>He puts his phone down, smiling wearily at Jeno, the circles under his eyes seem darker under the faint yellow glow of his lamp. </p><p>“How was your dinner?” Jeno asks. </p><p>“It was good,” he says, “How was yours?” </p><p>“Weird,” Jeno says. He talked about Jaemin the entire time, to the point where he was almost in tears again. Only he held himself back because the only thing more embarrassing than crying in front of Mark Lee drunk, was crying in front of Mark Lee completely sober. It felt good to talk though, he hadn’t realised how shitty it felt to keep things bottled up until they weren’t anymore. </p><p>Jaemin quirks an eyebrow up in interest, “How so?”</p><p>He manages a shrug, “Mark is just weird, I think the two of you would get along,” </p><p>Jaemin laughs, “I don’t know if I should be offended or not,” </p><p>“Me neither.” </p><p>It’s quiet again for a while, Jeno thinks maybe Jaemin fell asleep—<em>in</em><em> his bed, </em>it wouldn’t be the first time, but it still caught Jeno off guard— until the blankets shift as he turns to face Jeno. </p><p>“Can I tell you something?” he asks, voice low and scratchy. </p><p>“Anything,” Jeno replies, and Jaemin takes his hand, linking their fingers together and bringing it to his chest. Like their interlaced hands are steadying him. </p><p>“I think I…” he trails off and swallows nervously. </p><p>There’s a brief, forbidden flicker of hope that ignites inside Jeno. Is it so far-fetched to believe that Jaemin might confess to him? He looks nervous, his lips bitten red and eyes refusing to meet Jeno’s. The silence stretches out between them as Jaemin struggles to find words. The flame within Jeno only grows. Perhaps Jaemin <em> does </em>love him after all.</p><p>He’s fiddling with Jeno’s fingers, he finally makes eye contact. </p><p>“I think I like Yangyang,” </p><p>His words come at Jeno like a harsh wind, blowing the flame away and leaving him in complete darkness. </p><p>“Oh,” is all he can muster. </p><p>Jaemin lets out a shaky exhale, “Holy shit, it feels good to finally say that out loud,” </p><p>“You like Yangyang?” he asks, just to make sure he heard correctly. Because Jeno is sure his brain has completely shut down. </p><p>“Yeah,” Jaemin confirms, “Maybe I’ve liked him since I met him, but I only realised tonight during dinner. He spent half an hour trying to convince me that <em> Megamind </em> was a modern day masterpiece and all I could think was <em> ‘holy shit I could listen to him talk forever’. </em>”</p><p>Jeno swallows down every nasty thing that comes to his mind both about Yangyang and about <em> Megamind. </em>It’s unfair of him, he’s never even met Yangyang, nor has he watched the movie. </p><p>“That’s really great, Jamie,” Jeno says, putting on his best smile, “I’m glad you figured it out, you should ask him out,” </p><p>Jaemin bites his lip, nervous once again, “I don’t know, I’m pretty sure he only sees me as a friend.” </p><p>Jeno wants to scream. The universe is as cruel as it is ironic. </p><p>“You’ll never know unless you ask him,” Jeno says, like a hypocrite, “He’d be an idiot not to like you back,” </p><p>Jaemin scoffs, “You’re obligated to say that as my best friend.”</p><p>Jeno frowns. He scooches in closer to Jaemin until he’s right up against him. He brings his free hand up to touch his cheek, Jaemin leans into his touch. </p><p>“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it,” Jeno says. Jaemin is staring at him with his big brown eyes and Jeno doesn’t know if he can do this any longer. “You’re such a catch, Jamie, I’m sure Yangyang thinks so too.” </p><p>
  <em> I think so.  </em>
</p><p>Jaemin’s smile grows and grows and pretty soon he is grinning widely. He turns his face slightly and presses a kiss to the palm of Jeno’s hand. </p><p>“How did I get so lucky to have you as a best friend?” </p><p>Jeno smiles, and it hurts to do. </p><p>“I’m the lucky one.” </p><p>Jaemin presses another kiss to his hand, a way of saying <em> goodnight, </em>before turning back around to face the wall. He shifts back until his back is touching Jeno’s chest. Jeno’s hands go automatically around his waist, knowing the way Jaemin likes to be held like it’s second nature. </p><p>“Goodnight, angel,” he whispers into his hair, before drifting off to sleep with the feeling of Jaemin pressed right up against him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college, freshman year</b>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s close to three in the morning and Jeno’s at his first ever college party. His senior, Ten, invited him, claiming that he hasn’t lived unless he’s experienced a college party thrown by the dance team. It seems they have quite a reputation within the school for throwing insane ragers. So far it’s lived up to its expectations. They cleared out the living room to make space for a dance floor, he’s witnessed three dance battles and participated in one–– he lost to Sicheng, who is surprisingly graceful even after six or so vodka shots. The ceilings are strung with L.E.D lights, the entire place glows with a deep purple. The music is loud, Jeno can feel the bass in his bones, the people are louder, screaming along to the lyrics and feet thudding against the floorboards as they jumped up and down. Jeno’s sitting in the kitchen, nursing his first and only beer of the night, talking to Donghyuck–– a music major who Jeno only met five minutes ago but has learned the entirety of his life story. </p><p>“...I haven’t been able to make any friends since college started, sure it’s only been two weeks and I love it here but no one told me that college <em>is lonely</em>,” he chatters on, words slurring together as he sways in his spot. Jeno reaches out to steady him. </p><p>“You seem really friendly and outgoing,” Jeno observes, “If it’s hard for <em> you </em>to make friends then it’s going to be hopeless for me,” </p><p>Admittedly, it’s been difficult to make friends for Jeno as well. Despite priding himself on being such a social butterfly, navigating through college and trying to make friends at the same time has been hard. Especially when it seemed like so many people already have their established friend groups. Jeno suspects another reason it's been hard is because he and Jaemin have been attached at the hip since classes began. </p><p>Donghyuck grins, face flushed as he clings onto Jeno. </p><p>“<em>Awh, </em>that is so nice!” he gushes, “I’m usually extroverted but everyone in my degree is so pompous and standoffish.” </p><p>Jeno frowns, “Music composition, right?” Donghyuck nods eagerly, “My friend Jaemin is doing the same thing and he isn’t like that, maybe you could befriend him. He’s somewhere around here.” </p><p>He came to the party with Jaemin, but last he saw, the boy was inhaling shot after shot until he was whisked away to the dancefloor by a girl in his class. Jeno’s ringer is on in case Jaemin needs him, but other than that he’s not too worried. </p><p>“That is <em> so sweet </em>of you Jeno!” Donghyuck says, “I really hope I remember you in the morning so we can be friends, do you want to be friends?” </p><p>Jeno resists the urge to coo at the boy, he’s so cute. </p><p>“Of course we can be friends,” He says, proud of himself for actually making his first official college friend on his own, “If you want, I can give you my number so you remember me,” </p><p>“Perfect!” Donghyuck says cheerily, taking his phone out of his pocket and almost dropping it, “You’re officially the second friend I’ve made! The first was my roommate Renjun,” he hands the phone over to Jeno. </p><p>“Renjun Huang?” Jeno muses, as he types his number into Donghyuck’s phone, adding a selfie for good measure, “I met him last week in the courtyard, he was handing out flyers to join the art club. He seemed kind of—”</p><p>“Pompous and standoffish?” Donghyuck offers.</p><p>Jeno reddens, “Not the words I would’ve used, but essentially,” </p><p>“Renjun is actually really nice!” Donghyuck insists, “He only seems that way because he’s shy and bad at talking to strangers so it translates as being mean,”</p><p>Jeno raises an eyebrow, “Are you sure Renjun would be okay with you airing out his business like this?” </p><p>Donghyuck halts, “Good point. I should go get him,”</p><p>“Wait, that’s not what I—”</p><p>But Donghyuck is already gone, walking––well––stumbling out of the kitchen and back into the sea of students on the dance floor. </p><p>Jeno leans back against the kitchen counter and finishes off his beer, <em> that </em>was an experience.</p><p>A few minutes go by and Jeno wonders if Donghyuck got lost on his quest to find Renjun. He’s about to go look for him when Jaemin stumbles into the kitchen. His eyes light up brilliantly when he spots Jeno. </p><p><em> “Jenoooo!” </em>He exclaims, walking over to Jeno and unceremoniously throws himself into his arms, “Hi,” </p><p>Jeno giggles, wrapping his arms around Jaemin’s torso to steady him, “Hey Jamie,” </p><p>Jaemin throws his arms around Jeno’s neck, leaning in close and whispering in his ear, </p><p>“I’m so glad I found you,” </p><p>Jeno feels his cheeks brighten up like Christmas lights. </p><p>“Why is that?” Jeno says, his palms begin to shake from its place around Jaemin’s waist. </p><p>“Because,” he begins, leaning in close until his breath shoots shivers down Jeno’s spine, until his lips are touching the shell of his ear, “Because I’m going to be sick,” </p><p><em> “What?” </em>Jeno all but screeches, pulling back to give Jaemin a bewildered look. </p><p>The boy pouts and then whines out, “I feel so <em>sick. </em> My stomach <em> really </em> hurts––I think I drank too much,” </p><p>“Oh, baby,” Jeno says sympathetically, rubbing at his back, “Let’s go find a bathroom, okay?” </p><p>They find themselves in the upstairs bathroom, sneaking in past the <em> ‘OFF LIMITS’ </em>sign because the bathroom downstairs had a line. Jeno sits on the bathroom floor, holding a water bottle in one hand and rubbing Jaemin’s back with another as he throws up into the toilet. </p><p>He unloads a lot, Jeno worries for the state of his stomach. When Jaemin finally comes up for air, he’s frowning and his eyes are shining with tears. </p><p>He takes the water bottle from Jeno, gulping it down then crawling to sit next to him, leaning against the wall. It’s quiet, the music can barely be heard through the walls of the bathroom, but Jeno can still feel the bass in his bones like a dull ache. </p><p>Jaemin uses the sleeves of his sweatshirt to wipe his tears away. </p><p>“I fucking hate drinking,” he says, voice breaking. </p><p>Jeno wraps an arm around him and pulls him in closer, Jaemin takes this as an invitation to lay his head on his shoulder.</p><p>“I’m sorry your first time drinking was so shitty,” Jeno says. His own first time was shitty too, and he was younger than he needed to be. Jaemin was excited to drink earlier tonight though, so Jeno limited himself to one drink so he could take care of Jaemin. </p><p>“First and last,” Jaemin declares, “I’m never ever drinking again.”</p><p>“You really hated it that much?” Jeno asks gently. </p><p>Jaemin looks up at him, eyes still watering. <em> Holy shit, </em> Jeno thinks, <em> I would do anything for this boy. </em>The thought kind of leaves him breathless, or maybe it’s just Jaemin that leaves him breathless. </p><p>“I hate it,” he says, “I have no control out of my body, I feel lightheaded and sick and it completely freaks me out,” </p><p>Jeno rubs his back lightly, to help him calm down.</p><p>“That’s kind of funny,” Jeno muses, “I drink because I love the feeling of losing control,” </p><p>“Well, that makes sense,” Jaemin says, “You feel the need to control everything when you’re sober, so whenever you drink, you get to take a break from that.” </p><p>Jeno huffs, he hates how knowable he is to Jaemin. How the boy can read him so easily, like everything he tries to hide is laid out bare for him.</p><p>“We get it Jaemin, you took psych in high school,” </p><p>Jaemin giggles, “I don’t need a psych degree to figure you out, Jenjen,” </p><p>“Yeah, yeah” Jeno grumbles. Then he presses a kiss to the top of Jaemin’s hair, “You don’t have to pressure yourself into drinking just because we’re in college, we know how to have plenty of fun sober.” </p><p>Jaemin waggles his eyebrows suggestively, “Yeah we do,” </p><p>Jeno shoves him, “I’m being serious, idiot,” </p><p>Jaemin sighs, leaning back into him. He lets out a yawn.</p><p>“I know that, dummy,” he says, blinks getting slower, “Thank you for being so lovely tonight, I love you.” </p><p>“You don’t have to thank me,” Jeno says, but Jaemin’s eyes are closed and his breathing is getting heavier. He leans back against the wall, great, now he has to stay here until Jaemin wakes up and they can go home. </p><p>He looks down at Jaemin, he looks so peaceful. Eyelashes fluttering against his skin, stress lines free from his face. <em> I really would do anything for you.  </em></p><p>The realisation dawns on him quietly, like most things are with Jaemin. It settles into his bones, crawls its way up to his heart like it’s always been there. And maybe it has. His feelings for his best friend have always bordered the edge of something great. </p><p>“I love you too,” he says to the sleeping boy, the words get lost in the tranquility, but the weight of them lay heavy on his tongue. It’s different from the other times he’s said it— meaning something entirely different. He realises that now. It unlocks within him like a truth that he unconsciously always knew. He’s in love with Jaemin. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college, senior year, fall 2021</b>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Jaemin shows up to the dance studio one afternoon, looking frazzled and holding two cups of coffee. Jeno sees him through the glass doors mid-practice. He pacing outside, making his way through the first coffee. Concern washes over Jeno at the sight of him, hair sticking up wildly, <em> shirt untucked. </em>It was completely uncharacteristic of Jaemin to leave the house in such a state. </p><p>Sicheng gives them a ten minute break and Jeno heads straight to the door. Mark shoots him a worried glance and Jeno gestures towards Jaemin outside as if it offers an explanation. </p><p>His head whips up when Jeno opens the practice room door. Eyes frantic like a frightened deer. </p><p>“Are you okay?” Jeno asks, “What are you doing here?” </p><p>Jaemin halts his pacing, “I’m sorry for turning up so abruptly,” he says, running a hand through his hair and messing it up further. </p><p>“That’s fine,” Jeno says, “I’m just worried about you. You look—um—stressed,” </p><p>Jaemin hands him the coffee in his hand, “I bought this for you but I accidentally drank half of it. I’ve had three.” </p><p>“Uh oh,” Jeno says, stress drinking coffees is the first red flag on the Jaemin Na scale, “Let’s get some air,” </p><p>They leave the building, instantly met with the crisp autumn air. Jaemin breathes in, then out, seeming to calm down just a little bit. They find a bench covered in fallen leaves, Jeno brushes it away so they can sit. The trees that surround the campus have all darkened to yellows and reds, welcoming them to the new season.</p><p>“So,” Jeno starts, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” </p><p>Jaemin looks at him, panicked expression permanently etched onto his face. His hands are shaking too, but that might just be from the coffee. </p><p>“Yangyang asked me out,” </p><p>Jeno blinks. He opens his mouth to say something and then closes it. He blinks again. </p><p>Then finally, “You’re <em> this </em>freaked out because Yangyang asked you out?! Jaemin, I thought something bad happened!” </p><p><em> Something bad did happen, </em>the traitorous goblin in Jeno’s brain reminds him. </p><p>Jaemin looks sheepish, “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just––” he gestures vaguely with his hands, “––you know?” </p><p>“No,” Jeno says dryly, “I don’t know,” </p><p>Jaemin groans. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and handing it to Jeno. He realises that he’s looking at Jaemin’s messages with Yangyang— paragraphs of what appears to be a <em> love confession </em>from Yangyang, sent an hour ago, left on read. Jeno winces, poor boy. </p><p>“He asked you to be his boyfriend and you left him on <em> read? </em>” Jeno asks in utter disbelief. </p><p>Jaemin pouts, “I panicked okay! Don’t judge me, ” </p><p>“Too late,” Jeno mutters, reading over the confession texts with sympathy— accompanied with a stab of pain. He’s just hurting himself by doing this, reading Yangyang’s confession, seeing him do something that Jeno’s been too afraid to do for years. Something ugly swirls and festers in the bit of his stomach— bitterness, resentment, jealousy. </p><p>Helping Jaemin with this would be sadistic, but Jaemin’s his best friend, he can’t ruin this for him. Choosing Jaemin over himself was as easy to him as breathing. </p><p>“Why haven’t you responded?” Jeno asks softly, the judgement leaving his voice, “Just last month you told me that you like him, have you changed your mind?” </p><p>He tries not to sound hopeful. But he really <em> really </em>hopes Jaemin changed his mind. </p><p>“Of course not,” Jaemin says, there isn’t even a hint of doubt in his voice, “My feelings have only grown stronger,” </p><p>Jeno swallows thickly. He can feel the burn of tears threatening to make an appearance.<em> Ouch, that one hurt. </em>He wills it away, this isn’t about him right now. </p><p>“Then what’s the problem?”</p><p>“Did you read what he said?” Jaemin asks, pointing to a spot on his phone screen, <em> “Boyfriend. </em>He wants me to be his boyfriend,” </p><p>“That’s kind of how these things work,” </p><p>“I’ve never been someone’s <em> boyfriend! </em>” Jaemin proclaims, then with a lower, more vulnerable voice he says, “What if I’m bad at it?” </p><p>It’s true. In all the time Jeno has known him, Jaemin has never been in a relationship. It made Jeno reluctantly optimistic, a part of him always wondered if Jaemin never dated because he was waiting for someone— for Jeno. That part of him deflates right there on that bench, turns out that isn’t the case. </p><p>“You can’t say no to him because you’re afraid of being a bad boyfriend,” he says, reaching over to take Jaemin’s hand in his, “You’ll ruin your chances before you even begin,” </p><p>Jaemin squeezes his hand, “He deserves someone good,”</p><p>“Then he deserves <em> you </em>,” Jeno says, “You’ll be such a good boyfriend, Jamie, because you care about him and that’s what matters. Plus, you—,” he inhales shakily, the heaviness resides in his chest, he can learn to live with it, “—you take care of me well, you’re a good friend. You’ll be the perfect boyfriend too.” </p><p>When Jaemin looks at him, his eyes are shining, </p><p>“You really mean that?” he asks. </p><p>“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t,” </p><p>Jaemin smiles, it’s bright and beautiful. Jeno would do anything for that smile. </p><p>“Thank you Jeno,” he says, pulling him in for a hug. Jeno goes willingly, melting into Jaemin’s embrace. He needs this hug more than Jaemin does, closing his eyes and willing himself not to cry. </p><p>Jaemin pulls away ever so slightly to kiss the top of his head. </p><p>“I’m going to text Yangyang now,” Jaemin says, “And tell him I’m all in,” </p><p>Jeno smiles, weak and halfhearted, “Good luck, Jamie,”</p><p>“Thank you, now get back to practice.” </p><p>Jaemin stands first, taking the phone from Jeno. He watches as Jaemin types away frantically, the nervous smile on his face only growing into something more fond. Jeno can do nothing but watch as the boy he loves confesses to another. He stands too, leaving Jaemin to it, and walking back into the dance building. </p><p>When he’s finally out of Jaemin’s line of sight, when he’s hidden in one of the dusty corners of the building where not a soul could find him–– that’s when Jeno lets the tears fall. He curls into himself, wiping his tears away angrily because he hates himself for crying in the first place. But he can’t help it, his entire body shakes with emotion, he lets out a broken sob. He cries and cries, for a boy who will never love him the same way. Jeno feels pathetic, he should be getting back to practice, he should be used to the pain by now. The ache in his chest is agonising, all consuming. He can barely breathe. </p><p>So that’s what it feels like; heartbreak. </p><p> </p><p>“I told him to ask Yangyang out,” Jeno says miserably, throwing himself onto Mark’s couch, “The love of my life asks me for advice and I tell him to get a fucking boyfriend!” he hugs one of the couch cushions to his chest and squeezes, “I’m the king of self sabotage.” </p><p>“You did the right thing,” Mark says, walking in from the kitchen. He’s balancing two bowls of ramen and soda cans in his arms, placing them ungracefully on the coffee table. He sits next to Jeno and pats his arm, “It sucks and you shouldn’t have gone through that, but you did something really selfless and I’m proud of you for it,” </p><p>Jeno smiles weakly, “I wish I could be selfish sometimes.” </p><p>“I wish you could be selfish too,” Mark says, “You’re too kind for your own good,” </p><p>“I’m not kind,” Jeno says, “I’ve just tricked you all into believing I am.” </p><p>Mark gives him a blank look, “You’re not <em> that </em>good of a liar, now eat your noodles,” </p><p>Jeno sighs and accepts the bowl from Mark. He still feels uneasy from his conversation with Jaemin earlier, his stomach twists and swirls. He picks at his food, he isn’t in the mood to eat but if he doesn’t Mark will probably force feed him. </p><p>He softens, Mark has been nothing but good to him. Listening to his sad rants, making him food, buying him dinner. All Jeno has done in return is dump his mess of a life onto Mark. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says, and Mark responds with a questioning look, “For being an awful friend,” </p><p>His eyebrows furrow further, “What the hell gave you that idea?” </p><p>“All I’ve done is complain about Jaemin,”</p><p>Mark shrugs, “Doesn’t bother me, if anything, your tragic love life serves as free entertainment,” </p><p>Jeno smacks his arm, “Asshole,” he says, but the words hold zero effect as he bursts into laughter. Pretty soon, Mark is laughing too, trying his hardest not to choke on his noodles, which only make the two of them laugh harder. </p><p>“Seriously though,” Jeno says, after they’ve both calmed down, “Thank you for being on my side,” </p><p>“You don’t need to thank me, idiot,” Mark says, “I’ll always be on your side, even when you’re not.”</p><p>Jeno exhales shakily, it’s a little hard to process. Knowing Mark is there for him is one thing, but <em>hearing </em>him say it makes Jeno want to cry again— from gratitude this time. </p><p>“I’m on your side too,” Jeno says, “Seriously, this goes both ways, I’m here if you need anyone to rant to.” </p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind,” Mark says, “Today is about <em> you </em>though, how are you feeling?” </p><p>Jeno knows what he must have looked like, walking back into that practice room, eyes swollen, face red and rough from where he wiped his tears away with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. His dance team members cast worried glances his way, Sicheng asked him if he was okay to continue with practice and he insisted he was fine. He was just tired, had a late night. The team was convinced but Mark wasn’t, which brings him back here, on Mark’s couch, pouring his heart out to the poor boy. </p><p>“I––I don’t know,” Jeno says, words ringing out hollow, “A part of me still believes that Jaemin could still love me back, that I have a chance. It’s stupid, I know,” </p><p>He places the bowl of noodles back onto the table, the ache of hunger replaced with a different ache entirely, one that can not be fixed by a bowl of cheap ramen. </p><p>“It’s not stupid to be hopeful,” Mark says gently, “No matter how close you are with Jaemin, you won’t know how he feels unless you actually ask him,” </p><p>Jeno laughs bitterly at that, “You know I made a promise to myself that I would confess to him before college ends?”</p><p>“You still can,” Mark offers, “Telling him your feelings might give you some closure,” </p><p>“I don’t <em> want </em>closure,” Jeno professes, he sounds unpleasant, pathetic, his own voice feels foreign to his ears, “I want Jaemin, I want him to love me the way I love him.” </p><p>He leans slightly into Mark’s side, they aren’t usually touchy with each other—Jeno never considered them <em> that </em> close—but he’s in dire need of comfort right now and the usual person who offers him that has a <em> boyfriend </em>. Mark says nothing, he only lets Jeno lay his head against his shoulder.</p><p>“Am I an awful person for wishing for their breakup even though they just got together?” Jeno asks, quietly. </p><p>“No,” Mark’s voice is stern, “You’re not,” </p><p>He thinks maybe Mark is lying to him, because he sure <em>feels </em>like an awful person. </p><p>“I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost,” he says, “Maybe I’m doomed to pine after Jaemin for the rest of my life,” </p><p>“I mean…” Mark trails off, Jeno looks up at him curiously. He says, “I could offer a solution but I don’t think you’d like it,” </p><p>“I’m all ears,” Jeno says bitterly. </p><p>“Maybe,” Mark swallows nervously, like he expects Jeno’s reaction to be explosive, “You should try moving on,”</p><p>Jeno raises an eyebrow, “Did you not hear the part where I said I’m doomed to love Jaemin forever?”</p><p>Mark sighs at Jeno’s dramatics, which is fair enough, “That’s because you haven’t <em> tried </em>to move on,”</p><p>“Blame Aphrodite,” Jeno mutters, he lets his head fall until it hits the back of the couch. </p><p>“What?” Mark says, looking like he’s going to regret asking. </p><p>Jeno only sighs wistfully, “<em> Soft as she is, she has almost killed me with love for that Jaemin Na.”  </em></p><p>Mark’s expression shifts from confusion to utter disbelief, and perhaps the slightest touch of fondness. </p><p>“You can’t use Sappho quotes to justify your stubbornness,” </p><p>“I can and I will,” Jeno says, “I haven’t tried moving on because I don’t want to.” </p><p>“It’s only hurting you,” Mark says, his voice is soft, quiet, careful like he’s talking Jeno down. </p><p>“It’s all I know, Mark,” Jeno whispers, afraid. He feels less like a person and more like a wounded bird that Mark found lost and far away from it’s nest. </p><p>Mark slides their hands together, they’re rough and calloused but Jeno squeezes them gratefully anyway. </p><p>“Some space from Jaemin will be good for you,” Mark says, “He’s still your best friend and he still loves you. You just need to get used to seeing him as only a friend.” </p><p><em> I don’t want to get used to that. I don’t want to move on. </em>Jeno wants to say, he wants to scream. He knows he’s being stubborn and childish. He’s only hurting himself by doing this, by living in a fantasy where Jaemin could possibly love him back, one where he dumps Yangyang and runs through a field of daisies just to end up in Jeno’s arms. But his stubbornness is his fatal flaw, he’ll set his jaw and dig his heels into the mud. </p><p>That isn’t what Mark wants to hear though. So he runs his thumb across the back of Mark’s hand and says, “I’ll try.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college, senior year, winter 2021</b>
</p><p> </p><p>For the first month, it feels like nothing has changed. Jaemin in a relationship is still wholeheartedly Jaemin. They still have their movie nights, the two of them cramped on their couch, a plethora of snacks laid out on the coffee table while Jeno tries to convince Jaemin to watch a horror movie with him. His efforts are often fruitless, and they end up watching a romcom that Jaemin has memorised and Jeno has to struggle to pay attention to. They always end up falling asleep together on the couch, waking up with back aches and limbs thrown over each other. </p><p>Jaemin still cooks for him, he makes Jeno’s favourite foods, using his mother’s recipes whenever Jeno feels homesick. Jeno is hopeless in the kitchen but Jaemin forces him to do little tasks anyway— chopping onions because Jaemin cries whenever he tries, taste-testing the food, cleaning the pile of dishes that Jaemin leaves behind. They always end up sitting at the kitchen counter, eating with Jaemin’s cooking playlist playing, a comfortable silence settling between the two. Jaemin is still just as touchy with Jeno too. Kisses on cheeks, back hugs in the mornings when Jeno is barely awake and making coffee for the two of them, hand-holding. </p><p>With everything staying the same, exactly how it should be, it’s easy to forget that Jaemin isn’t his. Jeno continues to take whatever Jaemin will give him, it’s easy to erase Yangyang from the equation.</p><p>The fantasy is quick to shatter, like a bullet through glass. Apparently the gods are not finished with tormenting Jeno. </p><p>It’s early in the afternoon and Jeno is barely awake. He stayed up half the night writing a paper for his history of dance class–– by far the most boring subject he’s ever taken. He ventures out of his room, squinting at the sunlight shining through his living room windows. The sound of footsteps coming from the kitchen tell him that Jaemin is already up. </p><p>“Morning,” Jeno grumbles out, opening his fridge door in search of some orange juice. </p><p>“Uh, hello?” an unfamiliar voice replies. Jeno scrunches his nose, half confusion, half shock. He shuts the fridge door and finds someone he only recognised from the pictures on Jaemin’s Instagram.</p><p>Yangyang Liu is standing in Jeno’s kitchen, messing with <em> Jeno’s </em> coffee machine. His hazelnut hair is a nest atop his head, he’s wearing loose pajama pants and a white shirt, both of which Jeno can recognise as Jaemin’s. His smile is shy, unsure, the lightest of pinks brushed across his cheeks. The sight of him is more jarring than Jeno expected, it’s one thing to hear of him from Jaemin, see him in pictures and text messages–– but to actually <em> see </em> him? The apartment is suddenly too small, Jeno feels a bit like the walls are closing in. Because Yangyang Liu is very much real and very much Jaemin’s boyfriend. It’s not so easy to write him off the story and continue living in a fantasy when he’s standing a few metres away from Jeno, looking like the textbook definition of <em> the morning after.  </em></p><p>“Jeno, right?” Yangyang says, his smile grows from shy to friendly, “Jaemin’s roommate?” </p><p><em> Roommate. </em> Roommate! Jeno’s been belittled from soulmate, best friend, number one confidant, to <em> roommate.  </em></p><p>“That’s me,” Jeno says, searching deep within himself for his friendliest tone. It’s hard to find to be friendly when he’s had two hours of sleep and all he can see is dangerous shades of red.</p><p>“You must be Yangyang,” </p><p>“One and only,” Yangyang says, flashing him a grin and finger-guns. </p><p>A painfully awkward silence settles between them, while they both stand there not knowing what to do or say. Jeno feels a bit like he’s being forced to listen to sharp nails grate against a chalkboard. </p><p>“So uh,” Yangyang begins, “Jaemin is still asleep and I thought I would make him some coffee but I can’t figure out your coffee machine,” </p><p>“Oh,” Jeno says, “It’s easy, here, let me show you.” </p><p>He walks over to the machine, having half a mind to shove Yangyang out of the way but he moves before Jeno can. </p><p>“So you just push the espresso pods in and pull this down,” Jeno says, explaining as he works. It really isn’t that difficult.  </p><p>“Cool, thanks,” Yangyang replies. </p><p>The gentle hum of the machine coming to life fills the air. </p><p>“So, Jaemin tells me you’re in dance?”</p><p>Jeno hums, “Yup, I specialise in ballet, but the dance team mostly do hip hop so I dabble in that too.” </p><p>Yangyang’s eyebrows rise, “Ballet? That’s so cool, I love Black Swan,” </p><p>Jeno suppresses a snort, there’s no way this guy is serious. </p><p>“Right,” he responds flatly, “Your coffee’s ready,” </p><p>“Oh, cool, thank you,” Yangyang says as Jeno hands him the steaming cup. </p><p>Rather than leaving, Yangyang lingers, as if he’s expecting something. It would probably be good etiquette to ask him about his major in return, or offer him some breakfast. Jeno doesn’t do either of those things. Yangyang doesn’t mention it. </p><p>“I just pulled an all-nighter to write an essay,” Jeno says–– admittedly sounding more curt then necessary, “So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to leave first,” </p><p>Yangyang’s eyebrows furrow, just the slightest bit, “Oh, of course not. Go right ahead,” </p><p>Jeno smiles stiffly, “See you around, Yangyang.”</p><p>When he’s back in his room, Jeno feels like he’s just ran a marathon. He’s breathless, a little sweaty, and exhausted, like talking to Yangyang drained all the energy out of him. He didn’t even get the orange juice he went to the kitchen for in the first place. He belatedly realises that he’s shaking, he grips onto the edges of his shirt to try prevent it. His emotions are all over the place, he sees red, he can feel it–– along with shades of blue and grey. He’s sad, he’s angry, he wants to crawl under his blankets and pretend he doesn’t exist, he wants someone to tell him that everything will be okay, he wants–– <em> a damn drink </em>. </p><p>His trembling legs carry him to the bed, he reaches for his phone at his bedside table. Tapping a contact that he already knows is at the top of his call log. </p><p><em> “Jeno?” </em>comes Mark’s voice, raspy with sleep and confusion, “What’s up?” </p><p>“Wanna go out?” his voice breaks but he ignores it, “I could use some company,” </p><p>“Sure,” Mark replies, concern shines through his voice but he doesn’t push, “Gimme like half an hour and we can go out for breakfast,” </p><p>“I was thinking more like, I come over to your place with a case of beer,” </p><p>He’s met with silence on the other end, when Mark finally speaks, Jeno has to strain to hear his voice. </p><p>“Jeno, it’s ten in the morning.”</p><p>“Then, I’ll bring champagne and we can make mimosas,” Jeno jokes, when he laughs, it rings out hollow and humourless, “It’ll keep things classy.” </p><p>“Don’t you have a deadline in a couple hours?” </p><p>“I already finished my paper,” it’s a half-truth, he still has to edit, he’s sure half of the things he typed out through a sleep-deprived haze are incomprehensible. </p><p>“What’s going on, Jeno?” Mark asks, “You don’t sound like yourself,” </p><p>There’s rustling on the other side, like Mark is rushing out of bed, rushing to get ready. A wave of guilt hits Jeno. </p><p>“’M fine,” he mutters, the last thing he needs is to worry Mark any further, to trouble him more. This is Jeno’s problem, he’ll deal with it, “On second thought, I don’t need company,” </p><p>“Oh, yes you do,” Mark says sharply, “I’m not letting you hang up so you can drink yourself stupid in broad daylight, I’ll be there in five.” </p><p>He swallows thickly but says nothing, the logical part of his brain tells him that Mark is right. He falls back into the bed, resting his head against the pillows and shutting his eyes. He listens to the sounds of shuffling on the other side as Mark gets ready, it keeps his thoughts at bay. </p><p>Jeno sighs, “You’re a good friend, Mark,” </p><p>“I fucking know,” Mark grits out, and Jeno laughs, it feels a little more real this time, “You owe me coffee, and not that instant shit, I deserve coffee from your fancy machine for this.” </p><p>Jeno groans, <em> “Please </em>don’t mention that stupid machine to me ever again,” </p><p>Mark makes a noise of surprise, “But that machine is your baby. You once told me you’d save it first during a zombie apocalypse.” </p><p>“I need to be caffeinated to fight zombies, <em> Mark, </em>” Jeno defends, his point still stands, however, “the machine has been forever tainted, I need to buy a new one.” </p><p>Mark snorts, “Your bank account can’t handle another blow,” he says, “What happened?” </p><p>“I met Yangyang,” Jeno discloses with a whine, “He used my fucking coffee machine and his only knowledge of ballet comes from the movie Black Swan,” </p><p>His heart rate has calmed down now, he’s a lot less freaked. But his fingers still itch for that drink, he can’t help but feel like it would make him feel better. Even if, logically speaking, a drink will only make him feel worse. </p><p>Jeno hates this feeling, this lack of control. He can’t control his feelings for Jaemin, he can’t control Yangyang walking in and out of his kitchen— if there’s one thing he can control, one guaranteed thing in the unpredictable mess of his life, it’s that the whiskey will burn all the way down his throat, keeping him warm and pleasantly buzzed for the rest of the night. It’s that he can forget everything and let go, even if it’s just for a couple hours, even if he will wake up with a terrible hangover. </p><p>“Sounds like he made quite the impression,” Mark says, doing a terrible job of concealing his giggles. Jeno resurfaces from his thoughts, Mark’s voice pulling him out like a fish on a hook. </p><p>Dangerous. These thoughts are dangerous. And Jeno knows exactly what they lead to— black out nights, feeling like garbage afterwards, disappointing Jaemin. He clings onto Mark’s voice. He makes a mental list of things he can do right now that would be infinitely healthier than drinking: Complain about Yangyang, stuff his face with waffles, edit his paper. </p><p>Mark on the other line, is lucky enough not to bear witness to the inside of Jeno’s head. </p><p>“What was it like?” </p><p>“Awful,” Jeno whines, “I can’t live in this house any longer if Yangyang is going to be traipsing around with sex hair every morning.”</p><p>“You’ll be okay, you can stay at mine whenever it gets too overwhelming,” </p><p>“Really?” Jeno asks. </p><p>“Of course, dummy,” Mark says, “I’m getting into my car now, we can go get breakfast,” </p><p>Jeno smiles, “You’re the best.” </p><p>He can do this. He can get through this morning. </p><p>“I know. See you soon.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. high school, senior year</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Jaemin spends the majority of their prom night sitting at his table and scrolling through his phone. Jeno doesn’t notice until halfway through the night, when he sees Jaemin alone, face illuminated by his phone screen and not much else, and instantly feels like a terrible prom date. </p><p>Since Jeno arrived at the venue, his hand in Jaemin’s, and their ties matching, he’s been pulled in different directions. As the leader of the prom committee, he’s had to leave Jaemin alone to put out a few fires— he’s also been ambushed by friends, getting dragged to the dance floor and into the photo booth to take pictures. It’ll be fine, he thought, Jaemin will find a few friends and keep himself busy. But Jaemin’s never been the social butterfly that Jeno is, so he keeps to himself. </p><p>Guilt eats at Jeno when he finally gets a minute to spare and finds Jaemin alone. He didn’t even want to come to prom in the first place, Jeno bribed him to come along with the promise of being his date. What a lousy date he’s been. Jeno decides to fix his mistake immediately, he approaches Jaemin at the table. </p><p>“May I have this dance?” Jeno asks, holding out a flower that he stole from one of the table centrepieces. </p><p>Jaemin looks up from his phone and relief floods over his face. He holds his hand out for Jeno to take. </p><p>“Yes you may,” he says with a grin. </p><p>He leads Jaemin to the dance floor, there’s a sea of couples swaying together to the slow music. They find a secluded corner to themselves, neither of them want to be the centre of attention right now. Jeno doesn’t realise how shaky his hands are until he places them at Jaemin’s waist. In return, Jaemin wraps his arms around Jeno’s shoulders, fingers playing with the strands of hair at the back of his neck. He smiles shyly at Jeno, lights from the mirrorball above casting pretty colours across his face. Together, they move to the music. </p><p>“This DJ sucks,” Jaemin says, “He hasn’t played a single good song all night,” </p><p>Jeno hums, “I like this song,” </p><p>He doesn’t recognise it, but the lyrics are beautiful, ringing true across the darkened ballroom. </p><p>
  <em> Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close?  </em>
</p><p>“That’s because you’re a sap,” Jaemin teases. </p><p>Jeno huffs, “We’re not even slow dancing properly, we’re just swaying.”</p><p>Jaemin frowns, “This is how everyone else is dancing,” </p><p>“Everyone else is wrong!” </p><p>Jaemin giggles, “Okay Mr. Three-time-dance-champion, show me how it’s done,” </p><p>Jeno’s speciality isn’t slow-dancing, but he’s always been a fan of the waltz. He keeps one hand at Jaemin’s waist and moves the other to his hands, leading the way with his steps. </p><p>“This is kind of fun,” Jaemin says.  </p><p>“Yeah,” Jeno says, he brings Jaemin closer and dips him, it’s worth it when he breaks out into a laugh, eyes closing and a smile painted on him like it’s there to stay. </p><p>“I’m sorry I’ve been such a horrible date,” Jeno continues once Jaemin is upright. </p><p>“That’s okay, I get it, duty calls,” </p><p><em> “Still,” </em> Jeno says, “You didn’t even want to come and then I left you alone—”</p><p>“Hey,” Jaemin says steadily, “I don’t regret coming, I know this night was important to you, and I’m having fun now,”</p><p>He lets out an exhale, “Okay, yeah, that’s cool,” </p><p>Jaemin’s eyebrows furrow, he brings his freehand to smooth out Jeno’s tux. They planned this night together right down from the promposal (Jaemin made him donuts that spelled out the word <em> PROM? </em>And Jeno stuck flowers in his locker with a letter) to the matching tuxedos. The only difference was that Jaemin’s blazer was a midnight blue rather than the black that Jeno wore. Before they left the house, Jeno’s mother commented that they looked like a married couple, sending both their faces into a blushing frenzy. </p><p>“There’s something else bothering you,” Jaemin says, ever-so observant, “What is it?” </p><p>Jeno swallows, nerves bubbling up within him. He can feel his hands begin to shake again so he grips tighter onto Jaemin. </p><p>“Ah, well—” he begins, “I kind of have something else to tell you,” </p><p>Jaemin tilts his head, urging Jeno to continue.</p><p>“This is kind of hard to say but––uh––”</p><p>“You can tell me anything Jeno,” Jaemin says, he’s watching Jeno with those kind eyes of his–– with Jaemin looking at him like that, how can Jeno refrain from spilling his soul?</p><p>“So, this year has been <em>a lot, </em>” Jeno begins. Jaemin nods in understanding, senior year had been rough on them both, “And I came to a, um—realisation,”</p><p>“Okay,” Jaemin says. </p><p>He takes in a deep breath, quelling down the last of his worries. This is <em> Jaemin, </em>he’s never met a soul kinder or more understanding. Jeno knows he can tell him anything. This shouldn’t be so frightening. </p><p>“I’m gay,” </p><p>Jaemin’s smile is like daybreak, warm and blinding and all encompassing. Jeno instantly feels a rush of relief, he had nothing to worry about, not when Jaemin’s loving gaze on him feels like sunlight against his skin. </p><p>“That’s wonderful Jeno, so so amazing,” Jaemin gushes, “Thank you for telling me,” </p><p>“You’re the first person I’ve told,” Jeno says, “I can’t imagine telling anyone else first.” </p><p>The song switches, people beginning to clear the dance floor now, but Jeno and Jaemin stay. They cling onto each other, Jeno feels like they’re the only two in the entire world right now. </p><p>“I have something to tell you too,” Jaemin says, he averts his eyes from Jeno’s choosing to stare at the mole directly under his eye instead. He opens his mouth to begin speaking and then closes it. After a moment of hesitation, Jaemin meets Jeno’s gaze, eyes sparkling. </p><p>“I’m bisexual,” </p><p>“Oh,” Jeno breathes out, eyes widening, “Guess we really are cut from the same cloth, huh?” </p><p>“Two sides of the same coin,” he reaches up to pinch Jeno’s cheek, “I adore you Jeno,” </p><p>“And I you, Jamie,” Jeno replies. </p><p>Cliche as it is, Jeno counts prom night as one of the best nights of his life. He planned the night to perfection, from the decorations that hung from the ceiling and the centrepieces that adorned every table, he chose which DJ to hire, the catering company, the photographers. He wanted it to be perfect, and it was, not because of all of Jeno’s neurotic planning–– but because of Jaemin. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. new years eve, 2021</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you can’t come tonight?” Ryujin asks. She has a leg stretched right past her head, holding it there as she sends a pout Jeno’s way, “Everyone is going to be there, it’ll be like one last hurrah before graduation,” </p><p>From the other side of Jeno, Mark scoffs. He’s stretched out on the floor, legs spread out and hands grabbing at his toes, “Every party we’ve had this year has been <em>one last hurrah before graduation. </em>” </p><p>Ryujin’s pout is quick to shift to a scowl, “Excuse me for being sentimental,” </p><p>“The sentiment fades after the fifth frat party.”</p><p>“This one isn’t at a frat house!” Ryujin defends, “The location is at a nice, tasteful—” </p><p>“—shady Airbnb,” Mark interrupts, the look Ryujin sends him is deadly. </p><p>Jeno giggles, “Sorry Ryu, I can’t make it. Jaemin and I have been spending New Years together since freshman year, it’s tradition.” </p><p>New Years has always been such a peaceful night for Jeno. He skips whatever party he gets invited to, and stays in with Jaemin. They order in from their favourite Indian restaurant, they make a list of resolutions that neither of them care enough about to follow, and they play board games until the clock strikes midnight. Jaemin usually kisses him on the cheek when the New Year begins, it’s tradition. Jeno never drinks on New Years, he wants to remember his midnights with Jaemin. </p><p>“Maybe you can stop by after,” Ryujin says, moving to try a different stretch. It’s noon and they’re in an empty practice room, warming up together before they start dancing. Dance practice and classes have halted for the winter break, but Jeno likes getting together with the members who stay behind during break and freestyling. It’s a fun bonding activity and it stops them from getting rusty. Ryujin specialises in ballet like Jeno, while Mark has a very basic knowledge of the dance. They’re going to attempt to teach him one of their favourite ballet numbers. Jeno’s excited, hopefully he’ll get to see Mark fall on his face (and catch it on camera).</p><p>“I’ll try,” Jeno says, “But don’t wait up for me, I’ll be at the next <em> hurrah, </em>” </p><p>“You should know better than to invite Jeno out on New Years,” Mark chimes in, “We try and fail every year.” </p><p>“And I’ll try again next year!” Ryujin proclaims cheerily, making Jeno laugh at her antics. No one mentions that they most likely won’t be in the same place this time next year. </p><p>“Okay,” Jeno says, clapping his hands together. He walks over to the sound system to turn on the music, “Let’s get started,” </p><p>Mark groans, “I am not looking forward to this.” </p><p> </p><p>Jeno returns home sweaty and buzzing with energy. He always feels cheery after a good dance session, exhaustion from the work out seeps into his bones but he ignores it. He’s feeling good, he’s excited for tonight. </p><p>Jaemin is lounging on the couch, reading a book with his legs kicked up on the coffee table. When Jeno enters through the front door, he looks up, brightening immediately. </p><p>“Hey,” Jeno greets, “Have you had lunch yet?” </p><p>Jaemin shakes his head.</p><p>“Cool, let me shower then we can cook something together,”</p><p>“Actually, wait,” Jaemin starts, stopping Jeno from going back into his room, “Can you sit with me for a minute? I want to ask you something.” </p><p>“Okay?” Jeno says uncertainly, he gives Jaemin a questioning look, “Is everything alright?” </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine,” </p><p>Jeno sits down on the couch, bringing a leg up so he can face Jaemin. Despite what he says, Jaemin looks nervous. He places his book down and tugs at sleeves of his sweatshirt. </p><p>“I want you to meet Yangyang,” he says. </p><p>“I’ve already met him,” Jeno replies bluntly. </p><p>Jaemin rolls his eyes, cheeks colouring the lightest of pinks. “I mean <em> officially. </em>I want to introduce him to the others too.”</p><p>Jeno shrugs, “Sure. When were you thinking?”</p><p>Jaemin bites his lip, he pauses before saying, “Tonight?” </p><p>
  <em> “Tonight?”  </em>
</p><p>Jaemin nods, his eyes are hopeful, “Yeah, we can make it a dinner, go to a nice restaurant. It’ll be fun,” </p><p>“But it’s New Years,” Jeno says, his voice gets quieter. He hates how he sounds, upset, whiny, child-like, “It’s <em> our </em>night.”</p><p>Jaemin places a hand over Jeno’s leg, “We’ll still be together,” he says softly, “There’ll just be—other people there too,” </p><p>Jeno responds with a blank stare. He cannot believe this is happening. </p><p>“Please, Jeno?” Jaemin asks, his bottom lip juts out slightly, looking dangerously close to pouting, “This is really important to me. I just want to have dinner with my favourite people to welcome in the new year,” </p><p>Jeno sighs, “You’re this serious about Yangyang?” </p><p>Jaemin’s smile is shy, he nods. </p><p>“I think I’m in love with him.” </p><p>His confession hits Jeno like a tidal wave, he’s cold, numb and drenched to the bone. He knew this coming–– he would be stupid not to, he knows how Jaemin loves, how he does it with his entire soul. He wouldn’t date Yangyang, or <em> anyone </em>casually. But knowing this does nothing to ease the pain. Jaemin is in love with Yangyang, not Jeno. It all hurts the same. </p><p>“Okay,” Jeno says, his eyes sting with the need to cry— he’s all too familiar with the feeling by now, “I’m down for getting dinner, traditions evolve, right?” </p><p>“Right,” Jaemin agrees, he’s beaming, light pours from his eyes, his smile. God, Jeno is an idiot, a colossal idiot for agreeing to this, “I’ll text the group chat about it,” </p><p>This dinner is about to be torture from the fourth layer of hell. </p><p> </p><p>“Yangyang,” Jaemin bites out, shoving his boyfriend with his arm, “Quit picking at my nachos,” </p><p>“But they look so good,” Yangyang whines, arm stretched out as he pokes at Jaemin’s plate. </p><p>Jaemin pushes his plate away, “Then you should’ve ordered them,” </p><p>Yangyang pulls away, his expression turns pouty. Jaemin sighs, pushing his plate towards Yangyang so he can access his nachos. He’s rolling his eyes but his expression is fond. </p><p>Jeno was right, his dinner is tortuous. </p><p>“You two have done nothing but bicker since we got here,” Renjun comments, “You’re like an old married couple.”</p><p>Jaemin and Yangyang share a look, pink tints across both their cheeks. Jeno is having a terrible time. </p><p>They’re at Jeno’s favourite Mexican restaurant, which is a bummer because now he’s going to forever associate this place with Jaemin and <em> Yangyang. </em>He tries not to think about all the daydreams he’s had of taking Jaemin here for their first date, humouring the idea that he’d ever get the courage to confess. </p><p>He’s sitting next to Donghyuck, who has his leg thrown over Jeno’s under the table. He had thrown himself into Jeno’s arms when he arrived at the restaurant, claiming it’s been <em>far too long </em>since they’ve last seen each other (Jeno got dinner with him just last week). </p><p>All in all, Jeno should be having a good time, he loves the company—well, three-quarters of the company— and he loves the food. But he can’t shake the sinking feeling in his stomach. </p><p>“So, Jeno,” Yangyang begins, leaning forward to get a look at him. </p><p><em> Don’t address me, </em>Jeno wants to say, instead, he smiles. </p><p>“How long have you and Donghyuck been dating?” </p><p>Jeno chokes on his iced tea, Renjun bursts out laughing. </p><p><em> “What?” </em>Jeno blanches when he recovers from his coughing fit. His throat is still burning, he would’ve been so pissed if his cause of death was Yangyang making him choke on his drink. “We’re not dating,” </p><p>Yangyang’s eyebrow furrow in confusion, “But…” he gestures towards where Donghyuck is sitting more in Jeno’s lap then he is in his own seat. </p><p>“Oh, babe,” Jaemin says, he sounds torn between being sympathetic for his boyfriend’s mistake and being amused. Renjun is close to tears now. </p><p>“I wish we were dating,” Donghyuck says cheerily, patting Jeno’s cheek, “Jeno’s pays more attention to me than my <em> actual </em> boyfriend,” he sends Renjun a pointed look. </p><p>Renjun sobers up immediately, glaring at Donghyuck from across the table. </p><p>“That’s not even true,” </p><p>“You ignored me all afternoon,” Donghyuck argues. </p><p>“Because I was at work!” </p><p>“I see where your priorities lie Renjun Huang,” Donghyuck says, crossing his arms. And Renjun looks two seconds away from throwing his drink at his boyfriend. Jeno snorts, classic. </p><p>“Oh, so you two are dating?” Yangyang asks, gesturing between Donghyuck and Renjun. Donghyuck drops his fake-angry act and smiles, a familiar lovesick expression falls over his face. </p><p>“Yeah we are, it’s been two years now,” </p><p>Yangyang grins, baring each one of his teeth. </p><p>“That’s so sweet,” he says, “Sorry for assuming, the two of you just don’t— interact like a couple,”</p><p>Renjun shrugs, “We’re not big on PDA.” </p><p>It’s true. Donghyuck is touchy with everyone except his own boyfriend— at least in public. Maybe a stranger would find it strange, off-putting even, but Jeno knows how much Donghyuck and Renjun love each other. It’s a quiet sort of love, something Jeno craves for himself. </p><p>“Our Jeno hasn’t dated anyone in the time I’ve known him,” Donghyuck says, “Which is a shame because I think he’s a total dreamboat, don’t you agree Jaemin?” </p><p>Jaemin looks caught off guard at the sudden question thrown his way. His head turns to Jeno, and his eyes soften. </p><p>“Yeah, the dreamiest of dreamboats. Anyone would be lucky to date you,” </p><p> Jeno can feel the tips of his ears burn. He hates this. <em> He hates this.  </em></p><p>“You’re not seeing anyone right now?” Yangyang asks.</p><p>He doesn’t know how the conversation shifted to him, but he desperately wants it to stop. He can’t handle everyone’s eyes on him, wondering why Jeno’s stayed single in the past three years they’ve known him. Wondering why he’s only allowed himself meaningless hook-ups on those nights he craves affection. Because the answer is staring right back at him, holding hands with Yangyang. </p><p>Nevertheless, he swallows down the defences crawling up his throat. He has half a mind to snap at Yangyang for being so nosy even though the boy means no harm.  </p><p>“Nope,” he says, popping the ‘p’, trying to sound as casual as possible. </p><p>“Really?” Jaemin asks, which surprises Jeno, “What about Mark?” </p><p>For the second time tonight, Jeno chokes, this time on his own spit. </p><p>“What <em>about </em>Mark?” he echoes. </p><p>Jaemin shrugs, “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him, that’s all,” </p><p>“Mark Lee?” Renjun asks, his interest piquing. </p><p>Jeno nods, “We’re just friends,” </p><p>“But he’s so cute,” Donghyuck chimes in. </p><p>Jaemin’s gaze is piercing, questioning. </p><p>“You spend <em>a lot </em>of time at his apartment for someone who is <em>just </em>your friend. I know you sleep over sometimes too,”</p><p>Jeno doesn’t know why he’s bringing this up now. If he had questions about Jeno’s <em>friendship </em>with Mark, why didn’t he say anything earlier? They live together, Jaemin could’ve brought it up any other time. </p><p>“Well, that’s what he is,” Jeno says icily. He doesn’t intend to sound so standoffish, the questioning is just making his stomach curl and his ears burn. </p><p>Sure, <em> objectively, </em> Mark is attractive. Jeno isn’t blind. And he’s been nothing but kind to Jeno, he listens well, he’s a good friend. That’s all he is. <em> A friend. </em>He can’t tell Jaemin he’s only at Mark’s apartment when Yangyang is over at theirs. So he says nothing. </p><p>Donghyuck must notice how Jeno stiffens because he changes the subject. </p><p>“Anyways, Yangyang, tell us how you asked Jaemin out. We’ve all been dying to hear about it,” Donghyuck says, and Jeno could kiss him. </p><p>“Well,” Yangyang begins with a blush, “It’s kind of an embarrassing story,” </p><p>Jeno tunes this part out, he did experience it first hand after all. </p><p>Embarrassingly, Jeno leaves the dinner early. There is only so much he can handle from that night. Only so much heart-eyeing from Jaemin and questions about his lack of love life he can handle, even more embarrassingly, he leaves by faking an emergency. He’s just finished his dinner, the others are deciding on a dessert, they have plans for drinks later, it’s barely 9:00 pm and Jeno decides it’s a great time to flake. So, he texts Mark. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Jeno:</b>
</p><p>
  <em> hey </em>
</p><p>
  <em> pls call me with a fake emergency </em>
</p><p>
  <em> respond quickly im dying here </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Mark 🕺🏼:</b>
</p><p>
  <em> ????? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> dinner is going that bad huh? </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Jeno: </b>
</p><p>
  <em> its excruciating </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ive never seen jaemin this happy </em>
</p><p>
  <em> yangyang seems so good for him :( </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i rlly cant take this much longer </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Mark 🕺🏼: </b>
</p><p>
  <em> jeno :((  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> want me to come pick u up? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Jeno: </b>
</p><p>
  <em> nah i’ll meet u at the party.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i need a drink anyway </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Call me.  </em>
</p><p>Mark calls, Jeno picks up and performs one of the greatest acting performances he’s done in his life. He should’ve considered majoring in drama, or at least signing up for their school’s production. He leaves the restaurant before dessert arrives, giving Donghyuck a hug goodbye and a promise to meet up for food later that week. </p><p>“See you at home,” Jaemin says, halfheartedly waving as his attention is preoccupied with something Yangyang is showing him on his phone. </p><p><em> Probably not, </em>Jeno thinks. </p><p>When he’s outside, the cool night air a refreshing contrast to the suffocating restaurant, Jeno texts Ryujin. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Jeno:</b>
</p><p>
  <em> so… change of plans  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> send me the addy to that party  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Ryu ♡:</b>
</p><p>🤩 🤩</p><p>
  <b>c. new year’s eve, 2021, 11:50 pm </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeno is drunk. There’s a projector on the wall, showcasing the countdown to midnight. People are crowded round it, talking among themselves. The music and chatter fade to nothing but white noise, his surroundings blur together like a mosaic. He’s swaying slightly on his feet, weight supported by the wall next to him. The numbers on the wall tell him it’s nearly midnight, they’re bright, almost blinding. A flashing reminder. Jeno blinks slowly, his movements feel slow, his head feels too heavy for his body. </p><p>It’s almost midnight. He can make out Ryujin on the couch, sitting in her girlfriend’s lap. In the corner of the room he can see Chenle and Jisung, their heads pressed together as they talk between themselves. Everyone is getting ready for the new year’s kisses. This time of the year, Jeno and Jaemin usually have their own countdown, they’d wait until midnight and then Jaemin would kiss him on the cheek. </p><p>“Happy New Year, Jeno,” Jaemin would mumble against his skin, and Jeno would fall in love all over again. </p><p>That was last year, this year, Jaemin will be kissing Yangyang at midnight and Jeno will find a stranger so he doesn’t feel sorry for himself when Ryujin kisses her girlfriend’s forehead in front of him. </p><p><em> Pathetic </em> , he thinks, maybe he says it out loud, his drunken state is warping his sense of reality. <em> You’re pathetic.  </em></p><p>Jeno staggers his way to the kitchen, it’s less crowded there. Everyone made their way to the living room to watch the timer Jeno is desperately trying to avoid. </p><p>There’s a trio of boys, two of which are mixing random combinations of drinks together while the third sits atop the kitchen counter, laughing at their antics. Jeno doesn’t notice much, the entire room tilts and the only thing he can make out is the boy on the counter. <em> Pretty. He’s so pretty. </em></p><p>He walks over. </p><p>“Hello,” Jeno greets, his words spill out like the solo cup of beer in his hands. “I’m Jeno,” </p><p>The boy looks surprised at being spoken to, he jumps down from the counter to look at Jeno properly, his eyes are curious. </p><p>“I know,” </p><p>Jeno frowns, “You do?” </p><p>“You won that award for your dance final last year, right?” the boy asks, and Jeno nods, it feels slower then he intends, “You’re a pretty big deal,” </p><p>He smiles bashfully, he’s still unused to people recognising him from dance shows. People around here know him for his talents, that’s pretty epic, and kind of overwhelming. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Jeno says, “I don’t know your name,” </p><p>“That’s okay, I’m Sanha,” </p><p>“Sanha,” Jeno repeats, “Pretty name.” </p><p>“Thanks,” he says, it’s his turn to be bashful, “I dance too–– contemporary.”</p><p>“That’s cool,” Jeno says, perking up with interest. Amidst the fogginess of his mind, he remembers that contemporary is an interest of his too.  “You use ballet for that, right?” </p><p>“Sometimes,” </p><p>Jeno leans in closer, flashing his best smile at Sanha, “I think contemporary is beautiful, maybe you could show me sometime.”</p><p>He might have completely butchered the word <em>contemporary. </em>It doesn’t matter, Sanha still looks interested. </p><p>If he were more sober, he would be less greasy than this, a little less sloppy. But Sanha seems just as intoxicated and isn’t complaining. So Jeno tries his luck. </p><p>“Hey, Sanha,” he says, voice lowered, “You’re really pretty.” </p><p>The boy flushes, “So are you, Jeno,” </p><p>Jeno’s gaze shifts to the living room, one minute until midnight, he looks back at Sanha. </p><p>“Would you like to be my New Year’s kiss?” </p><p>Sanha smiles, his hand is at Jeno’s arm, “I’d love to.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. january 1st 2022, 12:01am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Sanha’s hands are warm, so warm from where they hold onto Jeno’s bare arms. His skin is soft, Jeno runs his fingers across it. His mouth moves slowly, his body is right up against Jeno. He thinks Jeno is pretty, he likes how Jeno dances, he thinks Jeno is worth his attention. </p><p>Their kiss is a little messy, a little strained. But with his eyes closed, Jeno can pretend it’s perfect, he can pretend he’s kissing the person he wishes it was. Everyone around them is cheering, it fades into nothing as Sanha tilts his head. </p><p>It’s a new year, a fresh start, Jeno is graduating this year, turning twenty-two, entering a new chapter of his life. He’s supposed to be changing, improving–– but he’s spending the first minutes resorting to the same old habits. When he doesn’t have Jaemin’s attention, he takes it from a stranger. Jeno craves intimacy, he can’t pretend that staying single for this long hasn’t affected him. So he takes it from strangers and hopes it quells the fire in his heart for long enough. </p><p>It’s the same routine: he gets upset, he drinks, he hooks up with strangers, repeat. He’s sick of it, he’s sick of the life he’s created for himself, he’s sick of how he is. He <em> needs </em>to do better. </p><p>“Are you okay?” Sanha asks. Jeno didn’t realise he pulled away, “You kind of, stopped moving,” </p><p>He can’t breathe, his eyes widen as panic settles into his bones. Why can’t he breathe? </p><p>“Jeno?” Sanha says gently, “Hey, are you okay?”</p><p>His hand on Jeno’s arm suddenly feels too hot, like it’s trying to burn through his flesh. He rips away from Sanha. The boy doesn’t move any closer, a concerned expression etched across his face.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he manages to say, “I shouldn’t have kissed you, I’m sorry,” </p><p>“That’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry. It was a good kiss,” Sanha says, “You look a little pale, should I go get someone?” </p><p>His hands are trembling, he tries to breathe but it comes out in short huffs. He grips onto the edge of the kitchen counter to try steady himself. </p><p>“Mark,” he breathes out, “I need Mark,” </p><p>“Mark Lee?” </p><p>Jeno nods, “Can you please get him?” </p><p>“Sure,” Sanha says, he looks afraid to leave Jeno alone in this state, “Wait right here, I’ll be back soon.”</p><p> </p><p>Jeno spends the rest of his New Year’s on the floor of a dusty Airbnb room while the party rages on downstairs. Sanha managed to find Mark, he left them alone in the room together so Jeno could get some space from the crowd. Jeno spent about ten humiliating minutes apologising to Sanha and trying to explain himself. The boy was nothing but understanding, he gave Jeno his number and said he was down to hang out anytime, <em> as friends.  </em></p><p>Jeno has managed to calm down a little bit. Everything is a lot less foggy, he feels significantly less drunk. There’s an ache forming behind his eyes. He has his head between his legs as he curls up into himself on the floor. </p><p>“I’m such an idiot,” Jeno says, “I can’t believe I kissed <em> Sanha Yoon </em>, why did I do that?” he doesn’t know what is worse, the fact that he didn’t recognise Sanha Yoon–– a practical celebrity on their campus who has won more dance awards then Jeno could ever dream of–– in his drunken state, or the fact that he had a panic attack while kissing him. </p><p>“Because you make terrible decisions, Jeno,” Mark informs him, shoving a water bottle in his direction, “Drink up,” </p><p>Jeno sighs, lifting his head and taking the bottle, “Thanks.” </p><p>Mark sits next to him, rubbing his back slowly in consolation. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” </p><p>“Like shit,” Jeno says. He uncurls and leans down until his head is on Mark’s lap. He’s exhausted, his eyes are probably swollen, he just wants to close them and not wake up until graduation. “Tonight sucked. Most nights before this have sucked too. I’m tired of feeling like shit, I want to stop,” </p><p>He can feel Mark’s fingers run through his hair, he closes his eyes. It feels nice, Mark’s touch is gentle and warm, he feels like he can escape into it. </p><p>“I’m sorry you had such a rough night,” Mark murmurs, “I wish I could do more to make you happy.”</p><p>Jeno shakes his head as well as he can from his position, “It’s not your fault or your responsibility. I should’ve skipped that dinner all together and come to the party with you.”</p><p>He shifts around until he’s looking up at Mark. Through bleary eyes he can see Mark looking back down at him with worry. He feels so safe under Mark’s watchful gaze, he’s lucky to have such a good friend. </p><p>He must look awful, he sure feels like it.</p><p>“I think it’s time I finally take your advice,” Jeno says, “I’m going to try get over Jaemin,” </p><p>He can’t keep holding onto the hope that Jaemin might love him back. The hope is what’s hurting Jeno, he needs to properly move on. He needs to let go. </p><p>“I’m proud of you, Jeno,” Mark says softly, he traces Jeno’s cheek with his thumb, “I know you can do this.” </p><p>He tries his best to believe Mark. He can do this. </p><p> </p><p>Jeno wakes up to a familiar piercing pain in his skull and an unfamiliar weight on top of his body. He shifts and the weight groans, Jeno’s eyes fly open and he immediately regrets it as his headache intensifies. </p><p>He realises that it’s Mark who is asleep half-way on top of him. He insisted on staying with Jeno after the party to make sure he’s really okay. Jeno pretended to be annoyed at his overprotectiveness but secretly he was glad. He didn’t want to sleep alone last night. They stumbled into the apartment close to four in the morning, drunk and giggling like idiots while they tried to remember where Jeno’s room was located. He hopes they didn’t wake Jaemin up, he can’t deal with more questioning about why Mark stayed over. </p><p>Now, however, he’s annoyed, because Mark is unbelievably clingy in his sleep, he’s latched onto Jeno like a sloth. His leg is thrown over Jeno’s waist and face buried in the crook of his neck as he refuses to let go. </p><p>“Mark,” Jeno says, voice rough with disuse, he reaches up and tugs on Mark’s hair, “Get off me,” </p><p>Mark whines at the pain and clings on tighter, “Shut up.” </p><p>Jeno huffs, using all his strength to try to push Mark off him, but the boy barely moves. There’s an unpleasant lurch in his stomach. Uh oh. </p><p>“I have to throw up, asshole,” he says, and Mark moves off him so quickly it would be comical if Jeno didn’t feel so sick. </p><p>“Don’t throw up on me, dickhead,” Mark mumbles out, barely even awake. </p><p>“I just might,” Jeno warns.  He sits up from the bed and the entire room spins. It takes everything in him not to throw up right there. He stands and stumbles to the bathroom, barely even making it through the door. </p><p>A knock comes to the bathroom door when Jeno is halfway through spilling his guts into the toilet. Jeno lifts his head and wipes his mouth. </p><p>“Come in,” he croaks out, assuming it’s Mark with either water or the need to throw up as well. They both drank way more than they needed to last night. </p><p>To his surprise, it isn’t Mark, nor is it Jaemin. Yangyang is standing at the doorway of his bathroom, a glass of water in his hand and an unsure smile across his face. </p><p>Jeno sits back until he’s leaning against the cool glass door of his shower. </p><p>“We have got to stop meeting like this,” he says. </p><p>Yangyang makes a sound of amusement, “I heard you from the kitchen, figured it would be good to check on you.” </p><p>Jeno closes his eyes and leans his head back against the glass. The light in the bathroom is too bright, he can feel it in his skull. His ears are still ringing unpleasantly. Dear god, he’s never drinking again— he means it this time. </p><p>“’M fine,” he mumbles, “Just hung the fuck over,” </p><p>He can hear Yangyang’s footsteps as he walks closer, they feel a million times louder than they should be. </p><p>“So this was last night’s emergency, then?” </p><p>He opens his eyes and is faced with Yangyang’s teasing grin. He had completely forgotten of the lie he fed his friends before leaving for the party. </p><p>“Let’s not tell Jaemin about this,” Jeno says. </p><p>Yangyang shrugs, he sits down next to Jeno and hands him the glass of water, “Tell Jaemin about what?” he asks, feigning ignorance. </p><p>Jeno chuckles, “I knew I could trust you.” </p><p>“Did you?” Yangyang asks, “It seemed like you didn’t like me much when we first met,” </p><p>Jeno winces, this is not a hangover conversation.</p><p>“I was just caught off guard,” Jeno tries, “I wasn’t expecting a stranger in my kitchen.” </p><p>Yangyang doesn’t seem to buy it. </p><p>“You also left early last night,” he points out, “Am I wrong to assume it was because of me?”</p><p>Jeno feels his face warm-up, he’s not used to such confrontation. Yangyang must be pretty confident in himself. </p><p>“Yes, you are,” Jeno says grimly, the gratitude he felt towards Yangyang for bringing him water quickly dissipates. He doesn’t like being cornered, especially not in this weakened state, “I should go, Mark is still in my room,” </p><p>He moves to stand up, but his movements are slow and shaky, so it’s easy for Yangyang to stop him with a hand on his arm. </p><p>“I didn’t mean to sound so suspicious of you,” he says, “Just hear me out, okay?” </p><p>Against his better judgement, Jeno sits back down. He supposes giving Yangyang a chance is the least he can do for Jaemin. </p><p>Yangyang isn’t looking at him. His expression is faraway and thoughtful as he sets his gaze past the opened bathroom door, just down the hallway where Jaemin’s closed door is in full view. It’s decorated with pictures that Jaemin has taken of his friends and stickers of his favourite characters–– it’s so undeniably Jaemin. </p><p>“I don’t know what your problem is with me— maybe you’re just being protective over your best friend, which I understand,” he sounds nervous, his earlier confidence disappearing from his voice as he rambles on, “But Jaemin’s noticed it too, and he won’t ever mention this to you but I know it upsets him,” he turns to finally look at Jeno, his brown eyes pool with warmth, “And I don’t like seeing Jaemin upset,” </p><p>He’s not cornering Jeno out of concern for himself, but for Jaemin. It’s admirable, it’s something Jeno can understand. They’re both fiercely protective of Jaemin. </p><p>Jeno swallows, “That’s one thing we have in common.” </p><p>Yangyang says nothing to that, he picks at a thread on his pyjama pants. </p><p>“I don’t think you hate me,” Yangyang says with a boldness that Jeno envies, “you don’t know enough about me.”</p><p>“I don’t hate you,” Jeno confirms, and he’s surprised to find that he’s telling the truth. “I think you’re good for Jaemin, it’s clear how much you love him,” </p><p>Yangyang’s eyes light up at the mention of Jaemin alone, “I really do love him,” he says, “We haven’t known each other long but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life.” </p><p>Yangyang’s got a painful grip on Jeno’s heart, and he’s squeezing tighter and tighter with each word he speaks about Jaemin. The worst part is, he has no idea. His intentions are pure, Jeno has to remind himself. He has no idea how Jeno feels, he isn’t trying to hurt him. </p><p>“Take it from someone who has known Jaemin his entire life, I’ve never seen him as happy as he is when he’s with you.” </p><p>Yangyang has to bite back his grin, but Jeno still sees it clear as day. </p><p>“Thank you for saying that,” </p><p>“It’s only the truth,” Jeno says, “You should tell him that you love him,” </p><p>“I plan to.” </p><p>“And, um—” Jeno begins awkwardly, he’s not good at apologies, he’s even worse at admitting he’s wrong, “I’m sorry for being such a dick lately, maybe we could have a fresh start?” </p><p>“Of course we can,” Yangyang says, holding out his hand, “Hello, I’m Yangyang and my favourite colour is purple,”</p><p>Jeno laughs, shaking his hand, “I’m Jeno and I’ve never seen Black Swan out of pure spite.” </p><p>This makes Yangyang laugh too, “I should’ve known that would be a red flag to you! In my defence, it’s my only reference to ballet! And I lied about loving the movie, it gave me nightmares.” </p><p>“Mark keeps saying he’s waiting for me to have my <em> Nina Moment, </em>I’m not entirely sure what that means,” </p><p>Yangyang frowns, “I think it means he’s expecting you to go insane,” </p><p>Jeno shrugs, “Checks out.” </p><p>They both burst into a fit of giggles.<br/>
The rest of the morning passes with Jeno and Yangyang making conversation on the bathroom floor. The awkward tension between them fizzles out easily. It’s hard not to befriend Yangyang, he’s charming and funny, Jeno is starting to understand what Jaemin sees in him.</p><p>He wasn’t lying when he said Yangyang is good for Jaemin. It hurts to see, and it hurts even more to admit. But Jaemin is happy with him, and it’s all that matters. Jeno owes it to Jaemin to get over him. Maybe he even owes it to Yangyang too. Jaemin can’t love Yangyang the way he deserves if he’s always so occupied with Jeno. Mark was right, some space would be good— not just for Jeno, but for Jaemin as well. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college senior year, semester two</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeno’s doing a pretty terrible job of getting over Jaemin. But he’s doing a pretty good job of giving him space— well, at avoiding him. Living with someone makes it pretty hard to avoid them, but Jeno is nothing if not skilful. He leaves the house in the mornings before Jaemin, skipping breakfast entirely and grabbing something on the way to class. He spends most of his free time at Mark’s apartment, and comes home as late as he can. With classes starting back up, college is getting busier and Jeno finds himself thankful for the distraction. It’s hard to think about Jaemin when he’s constantly at the studio perfecting his routines into the late hours or in the library cramming for his theory tests. Jeno has to start thinking about graduation as well, more specifically, what the hell he’s going to do <em>after</em> graduation. A few others in his cohort have already started auditioning for dance companies and shows. Jeno’s gotten a few offers from groups, he has a notes app list of shows he’s interested in auditioning for— but all of those are things he has to do–– he has no idea if he wants to do it. </p><p>The future is scary, uncertain, especially with the career path he’s choosing, it wracks him with anxiety and sometimes all he wants is to talk to Jaemin about it. </p><p>Jeno misses his best friend. Coming home to a quiet, empty apartment only makes him feel worse. They still talk, it’s impossible not to, but it’s limited to small talk in between classes and texts about their whereabouts. It’s strange, missing someone you live with, someone you haven’t really lost. He misses their movie nights, their dinners together. He misses how Jaemin would calm him down when he’s stressed about school, wrapping him in a comforting hug and making him hot chocolate. He misses the nights Jaemin spends in his bed, talking until one of them falls asleep mid-conversation. More importantly, he misses being there for Jaemin, he’s no longer his number one confidant, Jaemin goes to Yangyang with all his troubles now–– and that hurts the most.. </p><p>But he forces himself to keep his distance, falling back into the old routine would be easy, but it would be worse for his heart. </p><p>With Jaemin spending more and more time with Yangyang and being equally as busy with classes, Jeno assumes the boy hasn’t noticed his avoidance. He’s proven wrong when he comes home late on a particularly harsh winter night to find Jaemin asleep in his bed. Like he drifted off while waiting for Jeno to come home. He’s laying on top of the covers, his phone is still gripped in his hands. </p><p>Jeno freezes when he notices Jaemin; hair splayed across the pillows, the rise and fall of his chest is steady, he looks peaceful, beautiful. The sight of him alone drives a crack right through the middle of Jeno’s efforts to move on. It’s an impossible feat. He feels like Sisyphus, no matter how close he is to the top of the hill, the boulder will always roll back down, and Jeno is forced to move on from Jaemin all over again. </p><p>He shrugs his coat off, suddenly feeling very warm in his poorly heated apartment. He changes into his bedclothes as silently as possible, he’s too afraid of what will happen if Jaemin wakes up. It’s easier to pretend he’s not there. </p><p>When he’s done, he gently pries the phone from Jaemin’s clutches, placing it on his bedside table. He moves to pull the covers on top of Jaemin, when their hands accidentally brush together. Jaemin jerks awake with the touch of their skin. He blinks sleepily at his surroundings before his eyes land on Jeno. </p><p>“Hey,” he says softly, remnants of sleep lingering in his voice.</p><p>“Hi,” Jeno says, “What are you doing in here?” </p><p>Jaemin shifts over to make space for Jeno, he crawls in under the covers. This is dangerous, he knows, but he’s pulled towards Jaemin’s warmth like a magnet. </p><p>“I was waiting for you to get home,” Jaemin mumbles, moving closer to Jeno, “I missed you,” </p><p>A sting of guilt shoots through Jeno like a lightning bolt. </p><p>“I missed you too,” Jeno says, “I’ve just been really busy,” </p><p>“I know,” Jaemin responds, he reaches over and takes Jeno’s hands in his, “I just feel like we haven’t talked properly in forever. I don’t even know what’s going on in your life,” </p><p>“Just classes and dance practice,” Jeno says, “The usual,” </p><p>Jaemin raises a questioning eyebrow, “Nothing else?” </p><p>
  <em> I got wasted on New Years and kissed Sanha Yoon and now I’ve stopped drinking, I have an audition for a show in a few weeks that I’m shitting myself over, oh yeah and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to fall out of love with you.  </em>
</p><p>“Nothing else.” </p><p>“Okay,” Jaemin says, unconvinced, “I’m super stressed about my dissertation,” </p><p>“Yeah?” Jeno says, “Tell me about it,” </p><p>Jaemin fills up the empty space with his talking, Jeno is content with listening, eyes getting heavier with each word. He tells Jaemin that he thinks his ideas are good, that he shouldn’t overthink it. Jaemin squeezes his hand in gratitude. </p><p>“Hey Jeno,” Jaemin whispers out when the silence settles between them. </p><p>“Yeah?” Jeno replies, on the brink of sleep. </p><p>“Can you be honest with me about something?” </p><p>He’s watching Jeno with an intense gaze, Jeno swallows nervously. </p><p>“Sure,” </p><p>“Are you avoiding me?” </p><p>“What?” <em> Yes. Yes, I am, and I feel awful about it. But there’s nothing else I can do.  </em></p><p>Jaemin exhales shakily, “It just feels like you’ve been avoiding me since that dinner. Did I do something to hurt you?” </p><p>“No,” Jeno says hastily, he moves so Jaemin can see his face properly, “No, no, of course you didn’t do anything,” </p><p>Jaemin frowns, “Are you sure? Because I can tell something is up,” </p><p>“I’m—” he cuts himself off, taking in a long, shuddering breath, “Nothing is up, I told you, I’ve just been busy,” </p><p>Jaemin’s gaze is piercing, like the sharpest of blades, “I don’t believe you,” </p><p>“Then don’t believe me,” Jeno says, coming off too defensive, “I’m serious, there’s nothing  going on,” </p><p>“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Jaemin says, voice kinder this time, brown eyes vivid in the darkened room.  </p><p>“I know,” Jeno says, stubbornly as ever, “But there’s nothing to tell you,” </p><p>A beat of silence passes between them. They both know he’s lying. </p><p>“Okay,” Jaemin says coldly, he drops his hand from Jeno’s and turns the other way, “That’s fine, you don’t need to tell me.” </p><p>His back faces Jeno, the space between them suddenly feels too big. Jeno wants to reach over and console him but the stiffness of his posture stops him. He’ll only make things worse. </p><p>“Jamie—” </p><p>“Goodnight Jeno,” </p><p>Jeno sighs, “Goodnight.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. valentine’s day, 2022</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Monday morning finds Jeno waking up to the notification that his only class for the day has been cancelled. It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle—or it’s the gods making up for the fact that he’s spending yet another Valentine’s Day single. Either way, he’s grateful for it. He’s fully prepared to go back to sleep, and not wake up until mid-afternoon hopefully, when his stomach grumbles against it. He groans, standing from his bed to find something to eat. He misses the days when he would store snacks in his room, it worked out well for him until they had an ant infestation. Now, Jaemin forbids food in the bedrooms. </p><p>He leaves his room to find Jaemin already in the kitchen. He stops short, Jaemin’s wearing his favourite apron, humming to himself as he fiddles with something at the stove. It’s usually a familiar sight, but it’s one Jeno hasn’t seen in weeks.</p><p>He knows Jaemin is still upset with him and he hasn’t made any attempts to make things better. Maybe it’ll be easier for Jeno if Jaemin won’t talk to him. </p><p>Being the object of Jaemin’s attention sparks a white-hot, incandescent light inside of him. Each conversation, each touch, only feeds the light, until it grows and encompasses Jeno’s body whole. Perhaps if Jaemin is mad at him, if Jaemin stops talking to him—the light will die out and Jeno can finally be free.</p><p>“You’re up early,” Jeno comments, finally walking into the kitchen. </p><p>Jaemin shrugs, “Was in the mood for waffles, do you want some?” </p><p>“I—” he struggles to find an excuse to leave. He’s still in his pyjamas so he can’t say he’s going out, and his stomach is still growling miserably. So he sits at the kitchen counter and says, “Sure.” </p><p>The silence is painfully uncomfortable as Jaemin finishes up a batch of waffles. Jeno sits there, fiddling with his fingers while he waits for the food. </p><p>“So,” Jaemin says, pushing a plate of waffles in between them, “Do you want to hang out tonight?” </p><p>Jeno frowns in confusion, “Why?” </p><p>Jaemin gives him an affronted look, “What do you mean <em>why? </em>” he crosses his arms, “Because I want to hang out with you maybe? Or have you forgotten that we’re friends?” </p><p>“I meant,” Jeno explains, “Why tonight? It’s Valentine’s Day,” </p><p>“I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day,” Jaemin states, “You know that.” </p><p>“That was before you got a boyfriend,” Jeno points out. </p><p>“It’s still not a big deal to me,” Jaemin says, “I’d rather hang out with you, we haven’t spent time together in <em>forever. </em>Yangyang is busy tonight anyway,” </p><p>Jeno scoffs bitterly, “Ah, I see what it is now. Your boyfriend is busy and you need a replacement to keep you company.” </p><p>He has no idea where this is coming from. The resentment that festers deep underneath his skin is finally crawling its way out.</p><p>Jaemin’s eyebrows crease unpleasantly, “That’s not it at <em>all</em>. Why are you being like this?” </p><p>“Like what?” Jeno challenges. The plate of waffles remain untouched, he doesn’t feel like eating anymore, his hunger replaced with a different kind of fire. </p><p>“You’re being so difficult,” Jaemin says heatedly, “You’ve been cold and distant lately and now you’re coming at me for <em>wanting </em>to hang out with you. There’s something different with you Jeno, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is,” </p><p>“Nothing is different,” Jeno grits out. There’s so much more he wants to say, he feels his surge of <em>something— everything </em>he’s ever felt about Jaemin— spark up inside of him. But he stops himself before he says something he regrets. He stands from his chair, turning to go back to his room. </p><p>But Jaemin is relentless, just as stubborn as Jeno is and possesses an unmatched will. He grabs Jeno’s shoulder, harshly tugging on him until he’s facing Jaemin again. His cheeks are reddening with anger, his eyes are sharp and he’s unbelievably close to Jeno. </p><p>“You’re not running away that easily,” Jaemin declares, “Tell me what’s going on,” </p><p>“Nothing!” Jeno snaps, “Just let it go.” </p><p>“I can’t let it go,” Jaemin says, “Not when you’re acting so unlike you, Jeno, you can talk to me,” </p><p>“I <em> can’t </em> talk to you,” Jeno says desperately, his voice breaks as all the fight leaves his body, “You’re the last person I should talk to about this,” </p><p>He can feel his armour crumbling, the walls he’s worked so hard on building turning to dust by the brown of Jaemin’s eyes. And Jeno can do nothing but watch himself bare his true feelings to Jaemin, like he’s watching from outside his own body. </p><p>“Why, Jeno?” Jaemin asks, quieter this time, his voice brims with pleading. </p><p>“Because,” Fuck it, he thinks, <em> fuck it all to hell. </em>“Because I’m in love with you, Jaemin.” </p><p>Time slows down and Jeno can see every expression etched upon Jaemin face—surprise, panic, fear. He can’t figure out what it means, because everything around them seems to fade away. Jeno’s ears are ringing, he can feel his heartbeat in his throat, in his stomach, everywhere except where it’s meant to be. Silence rings between them, loud and suffocating and Jeno has forgotten how to breathe. </p><p>“You—” Jaemin begins, voice wavering, “You’re what?” </p><p>“You heard me,” Jeno says, and there’s no going back now, “I love you so much that it’s killing me, so I’ve been selfishly avoiding you to save my own sanity. I love you so much that it’s hard to be around you, I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” </p><p>“Jeno,” </p><p>“And a part of me has always stupidly thought that maybe, you could love me back. But it’s clear you don’t now, and—” his voice breaks, his face is wet and flush as tears spill over uncontrollably “—that’s okay, you’ll always be my best friend,” </p><p>“Jeno,” Jaemin says again, and it’s all he can seem to say. He looks overwhelmed, his hands are shaking, Jeno yearns to reach over and hold them. He quietly indulges a fantasy where Jaemin says <em> I love you too. </em>If he closed his eyes, he could escape into it. But he leaves them open, reality may suck, but it’s where he needs to be now. </p><p>“I can’t believe this,” Jaemin says, and Jeno doesn’t quite understand what it means. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot,” </p><p>“No,” Jaemin says, he clings onto the sleeve of Jeno’s shirt, like he’s afraid he’ll run away. “You don’t understand— Jeno, I loved you during high school.” </p><p>His words hit Jeno so hard he feels like he’s falling, like the floor opens up into a deep ravine and his body has given up on saving him. </p><p>“What?” Jeno whispers weakly. </p><p>“I loved you,” he repeats, “I had a crush on you so big that it ached. You were always this cool, sociable charmer who was friends with everyone and I was introverted and lonely and for some reason, you chose to stick around,” </p><p>Jeno frowns, “That’s not—” </p><p>“Do you remember prom night?” Jaemin interrupts, “When you told me you were gay? I almost confessed to you, right then and there but I was too afraid that it would ruin everything.” </p><p>The truth of Jaemin’s words feel like a dagger to his gut. He remembers prom night clearly. He wasn’t in love with Jaemin back then, it wasn’t even a thought that crossed his mind. If Jaemin confessed back then he had no idea how he would have reacted. Would he have realised his feelings much earlier? Or would he have rejected Jaemin? </p><p>Jeno opens his mouth to speak, but Jaemin keeps going. </p><p>“Then we started college, and I told myself I had to get over you, because it would be the best thing for our friendship. I think we’ve always been better off as friends anyway,” </p><p>Jeno shakes his head slightly, as if it will get his thoughts in order. </p><p>“High school,” he says blankly, his mouth finally catching up with his brain, <em> “High school? </em>I—I had no idea, I feel like an idiot,” </p><p>“Don’t,” Jaemin says with a wet sort-of laugh, “Because I feel like an idiot now,” </p><p>Jeno pulls his sleeve down and uses it to wipe his face. </p><p>“I only realised I love you during freshman year,” Jeno says, “After that party,” </p><p>Jaemin smiles sadly, he brings a hand up to rest on Jeno’s shoulder. It’s comforting, Jeno welcomes the touch. </p><p>“I’m sorry Jeno,” he says, “I loved you once, a long time ago when I barely knew myself,” </p><p>Jeno can hear the rejection coming, like the first note of a sad tune. </p><p>“And now?” </p><p>“And now,” Jaemin says, wetting his dry lips, his eyes are shining with tears unshed, words unsaid, “I love Yangyang.” </p><p>Timing is everything. Perhaps in another life, another timeline, the timing would work out and Jaemin would still be in love with Jeno. But in this one, Jaemin has a boyfriend, and Jeno has a broken heart. It feels like a sick joke that Jaemin used to love him, that Jaemin wanted to be with him, in a time where Jeno didn’t even consider it. The universe is a cruel bastard. </p><p>Jeno realises that he’s been standing there wordlessly for a while. He doesn’t know what to say. Jaemin is looking at him like he’s a porcelain doll, ready to crumble in his hands. He leans in and wraps Jeno into a hug. Jeno melts into him effortlessly, he clings onto the back of Jaemin’s shirt like it’s all he knows how to do. Jaemin rubs his back soothingly, Jaemin buries his head into the crook of his neck and takes everything Jaemin gives him. </p><p>“It would kill me if I lost you, Jeno,” Jaemin says against his ear, “You’re my soulmate,” </p><p>“You won’t lose me,” Jeno says, “But I need some time.” </p><p>Jaemin pulls back, he holds Jeno’s face with his hands, wiping his tears with his fingers. </p><p>“I’ll give you all the time you need,” he says, he presses their foreheads together. </p><p>“Thank you, Jamie,” Jeno says, “For being so understanding,” </p><p>“Nonsense,” Jaemin replies, “I’m just glad you don’t hate me for this,” </p><p>“I could literally never,” </p><p>Jaemin smiles, “Good.” </p><p>Jeno feels as if an anchor has been pulled from his chest, weightless, no longer dragging this secret around with him. This entire situation sucks, and Jeno is most likely going to cry about it to Mark later, but at least it’s all out in the open now. Now Jaemin knows how he feels, and he doesn’t hate Jeno for it. He’s going to be okay. </p><p>Jeno and Jaemin will be okay. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>c. college, a day before graduation</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Time heals all wounds. Even the deep-rooted, nastiest, most agonising ones. It’s been a few months since Jeno told Jaemin he loved him, and Jeno wouldn’t say he’s healed completely—his wounds are still fresh, the scabbing has only just begun. But Jeno is going to be okay, he’s healing in his own time. One day, all that will be left is the scarring on his skin, reminding him of a time that once was. </p><p>It’s the day before graduation. Tomorrow, he’ll be dressed in a cap and gown, accepting his degree and saying goodbye to most of his friends. Today, he’s sitting on that same hill with Jaemin, the tall grass towering over them, as they watch the sunset together for the final time as college students. </p><p>“We did it, Jeno,” Jaemin says cheerfully, “We’re graduating!” </p><p>“I can’t believe it,” Jeno responds, “I barely know how I survived this year,” </p><p>Jaemin laughs, leaning his body against Jeno. The feeling of Jaemin touching him still brings a dull ache to his heart. But each day, it fades a little bit more. Jeno is still true to his word, he’s moving on. </p><p>“I’m proud of you for surviving,” Jaemin says. </p><p>Jeno turns his head to smile at his best friend. The sky above them is bruising like a peach, the clouds are pink and promising. Jeno feels hopeful for life after graduation. After three devastating rejections, he got into a dance show after his fourth audition. It’s a pretty big role too, he’s playing Puck in a ballet rendition of <em> A Midsummer Night's Dream. </em>He’s moving to New York for the show since the studio is based there. Jeno doesn’t know what he’ll do after the show is over, but he’s okay with not knowing. Jaemin is moving to New York as well, he got hired as an assistant for a producer there. They decided not to move in together in New York, it’ll be better for the two of them to have their own space. </p><p>“I’m proud of you too,” Jeno says. </p><p>His phone vibrates, Jaemin pulls away slightly so Jeno can check his phone. </p><p>“Mark’s texting you <em> again </em>?” Jaemin taunts. </p><p>Jeno rolls his eyes at his teasing. </p><p>“He’s doing that thing where he freaks out about menial things like his outfit for tomorrow so he doesn’t have to freak out about the impending doom of graduation,” he says as he types out a string of reassurances that may or may not calm Mark down, “I might go to his place after this to soothe him a little.” </p><p>Jaemin smiles fondly, “You and Mark are good for each other.” </p><p>Jeno frowns, “We’re not—” </p><p>“—not together, <em> I know</em>,” Jaemin scoffs as he pinches Jeno’s cheek, “Remember what I said to you last time we were here? I live inside your brain, you can’t hide these things from me,” </p><p>“I’m not hiding <em>anything </em>from you,” Jeno says petulantly, he pulls away from Jaemin’s grabby hands. </p><p>“But you’re hiding things from yourself,” Jaemin says, with that annoying all-knowing smile of his, “Just ask him out, you’ll thank me later,” </p><p>“I am definitely <em> not </em>doing that,” </p><p>Jaemin tuts, “Your stubbornness will be the death of you.” </p><p>“Fuck yeah it will,” Jeno replies proudly. </p><p>There’s always a part of Jeno that will love Jaemin, but as he’s moving on, he’s starting to see Mark in a different light. Jaemin clearly sensed it long before Jeno did. Mark has always been a constant for Jeno, he’s always been there for him. It’s all very new and terrifying and Jeno has a lot to work on himself before he’s ready to commit to <em> anyone </em>the same way he did to Jaemin. Right now, what he has with Mark–– the teasing, rare unspoken bond between them, the nights spent together–– is more than enough. </p><p>The sky darkens, Jaemin is still leaning against him. Jeno takes a picture of the twilight sky and sends it to Mark. </p><p>“We should get going,” Jeno says. </p><p>Jaemin whines and clings onto Jeno’s arm, “Not yet, I have a handful of moments left with you, I’m making the most of them,” </p><p>Jeno laughs, “You’re so dramatic, we’ll only be separated for the summer.” </p><p>Jeno has to move immediately after graduation, whereas Jaemin is spending his summer travelling with Yangyang before he settles down in New York. </p><p>“That’s three whole months Jeno!” Jaemin says theatrically, “How will I ever survive? Promise to call me every single day, okay?”</p><p>He sticks out his pinky, Jeno links them together. </p><p>“I promise.” </p><p>Jeno has no doubt that their bond will remain intangible. They’ve been through the worst together. The two of them can get through anything. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"Those mentioned as residents of Lugentes Campi are: Queen Dido of Carthage, Princess Phaedra of Cretan, and rumour has it, our very own Jeno Lee was destined to be placed there— however, over the course of his life, he managed to change his own destiny."</p><p> </p><p>i hope you enjoyed this fic!! please let me know all your thoughts i would love to hear them.</p><p>come find me on  <a href="https://twitter.com/heejinsbian">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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